I think this blog is clearly more of a "From a Mom's Heart" type of blog than anything else. I know that it doesn't reach a wide variety of people, but I am ok with that. Read it if you want to. Don't read it if you don't want to.
Being a Mom is the number one thing that I have wanted from life since I can remember. The only other thing was to be a wife. I now have both, and am happier than I have ever been. Both can be so frustrating at times, but I don't think there is anything more rewarding. Yesterday was one of the worst days we have had in a long time. Elliot was super whiny and defiant from the moment he woke up. I could spank him, raise my voice, put him in time-out, but nothing seemed to work. I think a few cuss words even escaped from my lips, which is definitely out of character for me. I was just so frustrated!
Even as frustrating as those days are...at bedtime when he wraps his tiny, squishy arms around my neck and plays with my hair until he falls asleep, it's all worth it. I wouldn't trade this life for anything. Believe me, he is really a good boy most days. I don't really have much to complain about. Even the bad days though, I'll take them if it means that I get to snuggle up to my sweet boy and feel his breath soften as he finally gives in and falls asleep.
Expectations
A friend recently wrote a blog about how different her life is from what her 17 year old self imagined. It made me look back to what I thought my life would be like and what I thought I wanted. When I was younger, I wanted to be a pastor's wife by 18 and start having lots of kids. Needless to say, as the years went by, I felt more and more like an old spinster. I was in such a rush to get married and have that life that I could have married someone that would have been very detrimental to my spirit and heart. Thankfully, I escaped the life I almost had.
Then I met Josh. He came in to my office one day to visit his friend, who was also my good friend. As soon as Josh left the office, I turned to Jason and asked who the hottie was. Jason, of course, got right on the phone and told Josh. The next day, a beautiful bouquet of flowers showed up with my name on them. Josh included a very sweet note.
We went on a couple of dates over the next year or so, but lost touch in between. I think I fought falling in love with him. I think subconsciously I thought that as long as I didn't fall in love, I wouldn't be the one to get hurt again. HOWEVER, he made me fall in love with him. Sneaky, sneaky man.
Today, I am SO incredibly thankful for the life I got! I may not have the ring on my finger yet, but I know this is the man I am going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I may be 25, 7 years older than expected, but He was so worth the wait. I am happy for life's unexpected twists and turns that brought me to where I am today.
Then I met Josh. He came in to my office one day to visit his friend, who was also my good friend. As soon as Josh left the office, I turned to Jason and asked who the hottie was. Jason, of course, got right on the phone and told Josh. The next day, a beautiful bouquet of flowers showed up with my name on them. Josh included a very sweet note.
We went on a couple of dates over the next year or so, but lost touch in between. I think I fought falling in love with him. I think subconsciously I thought that as long as I didn't fall in love, I wouldn't be the one to get hurt again. HOWEVER, he made me fall in love with him. Sneaky, sneaky man.
Today, I am SO incredibly thankful for the life I got! I may not have the ring on my finger yet, but I know this is the man I am going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I may be 25, 7 years older than expected, but He was so worth the wait. I am happy for life's unexpected twists and turns that brought me to where I am today.
Adjustment Bureau
Josh & I just watched the new movie "Adjustment Bureau". I thought it was a great movie. It really makes you think. What if this was reality? The whole movie is about free will. Matt Damon meets a girl in a bathroom and it changes his life. The two of them think they were meant for each other. After a series of events of these "people" trying to remove her from his life, he comes to find out everyone has a set plan in life. There are "people" watching over the whole world to make sure that you end up where you are supposed to be according to this plan. If something happens, and you deviate from the plan, these "people" make small adjustments to get you back on the right track. In the movie, Matt Damon is not meant to be with this girl, but he can't stop thinking of her. He learns that the reason is because they can both be something great if they stay apart, but if they are together they grow complacent and don't become anything special. They are happy but not extraordinary.
He has to choose whether he wants them to be together costing not only his but her dreams too. He has to decide whether to trust "them" that they know what is best, or trust his heart and follow a path where he doesn't know the outcome. I think it is sort of like real life in that we all think we know what is best or what we want. We can't see the bigger picture though. Just like that song, Thank God for Unanswered Prayers", we don't know anything beyond this moment. How we feel today not be how we feel in a year.
The movie made me think though... I caught myself going back and forth between thinking he should just listen to "them" and do what they said was best for him, and thinking they are the bad guys just trying to keep him from what he was really meant for.
I've often wished in life that we didn't have free will. I've thought life would be so much easier if we didn't have choices. However, this movie really makes you think about just that. We think we don't want to make choices in life, but how would you feel if the choices were taken away? Would you trust the person making the choices for you, or would you fight with all you had to regain control?
He has to choose whether he wants them to be together costing not only his but her dreams too. He has to decide whether to trust "them" that they know what is best, or trust his heart and follow a path where he doesn't know the outcome. I think it is sort of like real life in that we all think we know what is best or what we want. We can't see the bigger picture though. Just like that song, Thank God for Unanswered Prayers", we don't know anything beyond this moment. How we feel today not be how we feel in a year.
The movie made me think though... I caught myself going back and forth between thinking he should just listen to "them" and do what they said was best for him, and thinking they are the bad guys just trying to keep him from what he was really meant for.
I've often wished in life that we didn't have free will. I've thought life would be so much easier if we didn't have choices. However, this movie really makes you think about just that. We think we don't want to make choices in life, but how would you feel if the choices were taken away? Would you trust the person making the choices for you, or would you fight with all you had to regain control?
Before I was a mom -by unknown author
Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom,Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom,Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom,Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom.
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom,Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom,Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom.
A Ship in the Harbor
A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for. ~John A. Shedd
Many great ideas have been lost because the people who had them could not stand being laughed at. ~Author Unknown
What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? ~Robert H. Schuller
My resolution for the New Year was to stop caring, or care less about what people think of me. I don't think I have done too well, but I am still trying. Obviously, it isn't something that you can just achieve overnight...I don't think.
There are lots of risks I would never dream of taking because they weren't fool proof, or because I was afraid of what people would think. I've always wanted to get a short haircut, super short. I've never done it though because I was afraid that it wouldn't look good and that people would make fun of me. I have an appointment on Friday though, and think I might just try it. I will never know if I like it unless I actually try it! Much like many things in life. I never liked mushrooms and wouldn't eat them. Then, I moved in with Craig and Carolyn and couldn't say I didn't like mushrooms. So I ate them every time Carolyn put them in something. I now LOVE mushrooms! How silly. I might end up with a horrendous haircut, but I also might end up with a haircut I love! Even if it is horrible, it will grow back, right?
I know that there are many bigger risks in life. I watched a lot of Criminal minds when I was in Tennessee. I know better...LOL. But I love the show. After watching a few episodes, I started thinking that I was never going to put Elliot in his own room, or that I wouldn't let him have a room on another level of a house. I was too afraid of something happening and not being in control. I realize this is not fair to him though. It is much like building a ship and then keeping it tied up in a harbor so it doesn't get damaged. What a shame! As much as I would like to, I can't shelter Elliot from the whole world. I could try, but how many good things would he miss out on as well? I think it is just a mother's heart though, to want to protect your child from getting his feelings hurt.
What great things would you do if there was no risk? Better yet, what things do you want to do but don't because you are too afraid?
Many great ideas have been lost because the people who had them could not stand being laughed at. ~Author Unknown
What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? ~Robert H. Schuller
My resolution for the New Year was to stop caring, or care less about what people think of me. I don't think I have done too well, but I am still trying. Obviously, it isn't something that you can just achieve overnight...I don't think.
There are lots of risks I would never dream of taking because they weren't fool proof, or because I was afraid of what people would think. I've always wanted to get a short haircut, super short. I've never done it though because I was afraid that it wouldn't look good and that people would make fun of me. I have an appointment on Friday though, and think I might just try it. I will never know if I like it unless I actually try it! Much like many things in life. I never liked mushrooms and wouldn't eat them. Then, I moved in with Craig and Carolyn and couldn't say I didn't like mushrooms. So I ate them every time Carolyn put them in something. I now LOVE mushrooms! How silly. I might end up with a horrendous haircut, but I also might end up with a haircut I love! Even if it is horrible, it will grow back, right?
I know that there are many bigger risks in life. I watched a lot of Criminal minds when I was in Tennessee. I know better...LOL. But I love the show. After watching a few episodes, I started thinking that I was never going to put Elliot in his own room, or that I wouldn't let him have a room on another level of a house. I was too afraid of something happening and not being in control. I realize this is not fair to him though. It is much like building a ship and then keeping it tied up in a harbor so it doesn't get damaged. What a shame! As much as I would like to, I can't shelter Elliot from the whole world. I could try, but how many good things would he miss out on as well? I think it is just a mother's heart though, to want to protect your child from getting his feelings hurt.
What great things would you do if there was no risk? Better yet, what things do you want to do but don't because you are too afraid?
At What Cost?
"How many have pulled down their souls to build up their estate?"
-Thomas Watson
I turned 25 today. I never get wigged out by turning another year older. I am usually excited, and love my birthday. I don't think I'll be one to have a "midlife crisis". I did have a moment of shame or embarrassment last night though, thinking about where I "should" be in life. My mom asked a good question though. She asked me if I would trade the last year, and trade Elliot, to be where people think I should be at in my life. No way in H E double hockey sticks! I would not trade Elliot for a million, trillion dollars! I can live with the debt I got myself into, and everything else, as long as I have God, my family, and my son.
Sure, I'd like to be out of debt sooner rather than later, but I don't have to let that desire drive me so much that I lose sight of the more important things. At my current rate, I can be out of debt in about 4 years. In four years, Elliot will be five. I don't want to look back in four years and wish I knew my son better.
Have you seen Madam Blueberry, the Veggie Tales movie? She is sad, so she goes to Stuff Mart and buys everything she sees, but none of it makes her any happier. There is a beautiful song in that movie that says, "A thankful heart is a happy heart. That's why I say thanks every day!" Madam blueberry sees a family celebrating their child's birthday. They only have one piece of cake and they are sharing it, and are happy. She realizes that it isn't what you have that makes you happy.
I'm 25. I have a lot of debt, and I live with my parents again. I had a career for 6 years, lived on my own and wasn't very happy. Honestly though, I am more happy with my life now than I have been in years. God blessed me with a wonderful, funny, smart, beautiful little boy...the desire of my heart. This has been the best birthday so far.
You know you're a mom if...
Ok, some of these are personal experience and some of them were shared with me. I'm not pointing out which are which in order to save face. LOL. But you know you're a mom if:
- You've gone through horrendous pain but forgotten all of it the instant you saw a scrunchy, grouchy, little face for the first time.
- You've gone through more cracked, bleeding, sore pain but pushed through it because the bond with your child was greater than the pain you felt.
- You've seen something gross on the floor and wondered if it was poop or something else...and smelled it to find out.
- Your baby/child peed or puked in the bed in the middle of the night, and being too exhausted to get up and change the sheets, you've thrown a towel or blanket over it and called it good.
- You've finished the left overs on your child's dinner plate.
- Realizing you forgot to give them a bite of your cookie/brownie/other good treat, you've taken a piece out of your mouth and given it to them.
- You've had a child slobber all over your cup and you still drank out of it.
- You can change a dirty diaper without throwing up because you realize that your hands are washable.
- You've smelled a baby butt because you aren't sure if that smell is coming from your baby or your significant other.
- You've let your infant pull your hair out because it comforts them while they are nursing.
- You've acted like a fool just to get a smile out of your baby.
- You've hopped across the floor on your knees, ribbitting like a frog, to get a laugh.
- You've painted and decorated paper towel rolls to make tootooroos.
- You've become more elated watching first steps, first laughs, first smiles, etc... take place than watching season finales of your favorite shows.
- You've said "I gotta go potty", even when only in the company of adults.
- And last but not least, you know you're a mom if you've experienced a greater love that you could ever have imagined and can't imagine one breath without that child in your life.
You've Been Cut Off!
Have you ever heard someone say they "deserve" something? For instance, "I deserve to be happy" or "I deserve something better than this". What makes a person deserve anything? I know some people are nice than others or live their life according to higher moral standards than others. Does this entitle them to something more than those who don't? We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, though.
I don't know what I think. I think that some people deserve horrible things, for the horrible things that they do or have done. I think that it might just be more simple though. I think people should be matched up with other people that have similar values and lifestyles as them. I don't like it when people say they deserve something though. You may "want" something in life, but I don't think people are entitled to certain things. Although, I do think people should be treated fairly. I don't really know how to get across what I am thinking.
When people say they deserve to be happy, what makes them think so? I think that they should perhaps stop a moment, and think about that statement. How do they know what will make them happy? I've heard a statistic before that people always think that they will finally be happy when they make just a little more money than they do at the moment. However, when they get to that point, the bar goes up once again. I think that life should be more about learning to be content whatever the circumstance. Obviously, I don't mean staying in abusive situations or anything like that. I mostly mean doing the best with what you have been given and what you have worked for. I don't think anyone DESERVES to be rich or have nice things. I think we should work for what we need and want.
I guess this came up because I watched a few minutes of a show called "You've been cut off". These girls are taken out of their "princess" lifestyle, and put into a house together. They then have to work for what they want, to a point. They have to do chores to earn an allowance to buy groceries. They are put to a test, but they don't know it at the time. They are taken to a country club, poolside. They go crazy, eating the shrimp and drinking mimosas and champagne. They forget that they don't have any money though. It was crazy. In approximately 30 minutes, they rack up thousands of dollars in food and drinks. They are surprised when they learn they have to work that off because someone else isn't just going to pay it for them. The shocking thing to me though, was that when they got to the country club, they all started talking about how this is what they were made for. They all had a sense of entitlement. It wasn't something they worked for, it was just something they felt they deserved! I am thankful that I wasn't brought up that way. I do feel that I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance. I know that things could always be worse. I have learned that there are more important things in life than material things. Of course there are things that I want or would like to have. However, I know there are things that are more important to me, like being at home with my son.
I don't know what I think. I think that some people deserve horrible things, for the horrible things that they do or have done. I think that it might just be more simple though. I think people should be matched up with other people that have similar values and lifestyles as them. I don't like it when people say they deserve something though. You may "want" something in life, but I don't think people are entitled to certain things. Although, I do think people should be treated fairly. I don't really know how to get across what I am thinking.
When people say they deserve to be happy, what makes them think so? I think that they should perhaps stop a moment, and think about that statement. How do they know what will make them happy? I've heard a statistic before that people always think that they will finally be happy when they make just a little more money than they do at the moment. However, when they get to that point, the bar goes up once again. I think that life should be more about learning to be content whatever the circumstance. Obviously, I don't mean staying in abusive situations or anything like that. I mostly mean doing the best with what you have been given and what you have worked for. I don't think anyone DESERVES to be rich or have nice things. I think we should work for what we need and want.
I guess this came up because I watched a few minutes of a show called "You've been cut off". These girls are taken out of their "princess" lifestyle, and put into a house together. They then have to work for what they want, to a point. They have to do chores to earn an allowance to buy groceries. They are put to a test, but they don't know it at the time. They are taken to a country club, poolside. They go crazy, eating the shrimp and drinking mimosas and champagne. They forget that they don't have any money though. It was crazy. In approximately 30 minutes, they rack up thousands of dollars in food and drinks. They are surprised when they learn they have to work that off because someone else isn't just going to pay it for them. The shocking thing to me though, was that when they got to the country club, they all started talking about how this is what they were made for. They all had a sense of entitlement. It wasn't something they worked for, it was just something they felt they deserved! I am thankful that I wasn't brought up that way. I do feel that I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance. I know that things could always be worse. I have learned that there are more important things in life than material things. Of course there are things that I want or would like to have. However, I know there are things that are more important to me, like being at home with my son.
Marriage
What does it take to make a marriage last “until death do us part”? The divorce rate in America is over 50%! That means that if you get married, and your friend gets married, it’s likely that one of those marriages will end in divorce.
I’ve been researching it online a bit…Is it a lack of knowing the person before you get married? Is it waiting too long to get married? Or is it just easier to give up?
I think that a lot of it has to do with the idea that you “deserve” this or that. What make a person deserve anything? It shouldn’t be this hard. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy, etc… Is love an emotion, or is love a choice? Do people get married because they are in love, and divorced because they fell out of love? Or were they just in love with the idea of being in love? Then, when it gets boring or somewhat monotonous, they say they aren’t in love anymore? I think that it has to be a healthy blend of emotion and choice. I think that you have to choose to love a person through the hard times. Obviously, it is work. It can’t always be a fairytale. When you get married though, you commit! You commit to forever, through good times and bad, sickness and health!
Part of what I have been reading online is questions to ask before you get married. I think that some people might be afraid to ask those questions because they don’t want to know the answer. At least I have had that thought in some of the relationships I have been in. I wanted to believe that we were going to live happily ever after. I chose to be blind and happy. It was too uncomfortable to have those conversations. I think it is important though. If you can’t have the conversations, how are you going to be able to survive in a marriage together?
What makes a good marriage? What makes two people compatible for marriage? I dated one guy who thought that it was important to love all of the same things. This sucked. I was so in love with the guy that I totally tried to act like I loved everything he did. I ran outside in the winter, which I HATED! But I tried to do it with a smile painted on my face. I froze my butt off doing so many outdoor things, when I am simply not an outdoor girl. I don’t think that you have to like ALL of the same things. I think that you should have similar interests, but it should be ok to have your own hobbies as well. You shouldn't have to change yourself for a person to love you. Find someone that loves you the way you are.
Thoughts for today
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11
"God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind."
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desire of your heart."
Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
O Lord, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths,a you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
True Love
How can you tell real love from infatuation? I don't just mean in romantic relationships, but in all relationships. How do you know when you truly love someone, and not just the idea. I think that you have come to "love someone fully when you would put aside your own selfishness and can be happy if they are happy. Or when you get past the "I need you" and settle into the "what do you need from me" stage.
I have a lot of examples going through my head, but the one that I can bring myself to talk about is my relationship with my son. Before and right after he was born, I knew I was totally in love with him. He was and is the desire or my heart, and I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted in my life. I needed him. I thought that I would die if something happened to him, or at least I would want to die. I couldn't even bear the thought of something being wrong or something bad happening. I felt this way because I need him.
Now, I have started thinking a little differently. I still need him and I would still die if anything happened to him. However, now I am thinking more about what he needs from me. How can I be a better mother to him? How can I assure him of my love more fully. Weight has always been a huge issue in my life. I have had to put it in the back of my mind since he was born because I am breastfeeding. In the past, when I needed to lose weight, I would go on a crazy starvation diet or I would exercise as much as I could. I can't do this though if I want to provide the best nutrition for him. I saw a quote on facebook that says, "My child needs a role-model, not a super model". I have been trying to tell myself this. Anyway, this is a situation where I have to put his needs above my own.
I am NOT saying I am perfect or love perfectly. I get distracted a lot and have selfish thoughts all the time. I am trying to be a better mother though. I have been trying to remember to get down on the floor with him more, spend less of his awake time on the computer or doing something else. (He is already asleep for the night). I don't want to look back in 18 years and regret what I spent my time on. These moments will only happen once. I already wonder what happened to the last 8 months. I do get distracted a lot, but I am trying to get distracted less. I want him to know that I am interested in him and his own little life, and the things that are important to him. I want to talk with him, not at him.
That's all for tonight.
I have a lot of examples going through my head, but the one that I can bring myself to talk about is my relationship with my son. Before and right after he was born, I knew I was totally in love with him. He was and is the desire or my heart, and I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted in my life. I needed him. I thought that I would die if something happened to him, or at least I would want to die. I couldn't even bear the thought of something being wrong or something bad happening. I felt this way because I need him.
Now, I have started thinking a little differently. I still need him and I would still die if anything happened to him. However, now I am thinking more about what he needs from me. How can I be a better mother to him? How can I assure him of my love more fully. Weight has always been a huge issue in my life. I have had to put it in the back of my mind since he was born because I am breastfeeding. In the past, when I needed to lose weight, I would go on a crazy starvation diet or I would exercise as much as I could. I can't do this though if I want to provide the best nutrition for him. I saw a quote on facebook that says, "My child needs a role-model, not a super model". I have been trying to tell myself this. Anyway, this is a situation where I have to put his needs above my own.
I am NOT saying I am perfect or love perfectly. I get distracted a lot and have selfish thoughts all the time. I am trying to be a better mother though. I have been trying to remember to get down on the floor with him more, spend less of his awake time on the computer or doing something else. (He is already asleep for the night). I don't want to look back in 18 years and regret what I spent my time on. These moments will only happen once. I already wonder what happened to the last 8 months. I do get distracted a lot, but I am trying to get distracted less. I want him to know that I am interested in him and his own little life, and the things that are important to him. I want to talk with him, not at him.
That's all for tonight.
Dare to Dream
If you could travel anywhere, live anywhere, or do anything you wanted without having to worry about money or anything else...what would you do. Or what DO you want to do. I have a lot of dreams and ambitions, I don't know if any of them will come to fruition or not. I think my biggest dream, other than parenting and wifing (lol), is owning my own cake shop. I don't really think it would bring a whole lot of freedom, like when people say they want the freedom of being their own boss. I think that I am too anal to open my own cake shop just to turn the reigns over to someone else. I would LOVE having my own shop though. The whole process of making an artistic cake is not easy. It is a kind of stress that I like though. It's kind of like doing the dishes...you see a whole pile and mess when you start, but you can see your accomplishment when you are done. Granted, some of my cakes have been flops and are embarrassing now, but I'm still learning.
My other big dream is traveling. I would really like to go to New York near Christmas time. I want to see a Broadway play, go ice skating in Central Park, see the big Christmas tree, and even stand outside of the Today show! While I am there, I will travel down to New Jersey and go to Carlos' Bakery, aka CAKE BOSS! I have to go to Hawaii before I die. LOL. Hopefully for a honeymoon or maybe my actual wedding. Also, being the chocolate lover I am, want to go to Hershey, PA! I heard that they have little Hershey kiss shaped pillows in the hotels.
I would also like to have one or two more babies. I love my baby boy, and it truly is a wonderful experience. I miss going to appointments and hearing the heartbeat. I miss feel him move around in my belly. He use to give me "knucks" from the inside. LOL. I miss my belly jumping. Most of all, I miss that moment when my midwife put him on my chest. As she put it, "That's the discovery moment for him, and the "it was all worth it" moment for me. It truly was. You spend more than nine months with a tiny human inside of you, wondering what he looks like, what kind of personality he is going to have, what his voice sounds like. Then, in one instant, you find all that out and you can't remember ever not knowing! I definitely want to experience that again.
Sorry to any of you who are sick of hearing about how much I love my son. However, on the other hand...it is my blog and I can write about whatever I want. You don't have to read it. LOL. Thank you to those who do though.
My other big dream is traveling. I would really like to go to New York near Christmas time. I want to see a Broadway play, go ice skating in Central Park, see the big Christmas tree, and even stand outside of the Today show! While I am there, I will travel down to New Jersey and go to Carlos' Bakery, aka CAKE BOSS! I have to go to Hawaii before I die. LOL. Hopefully for a honeymoon or maybe my actual wedding. Also, being the chocolate lover I am, want to go to Hershey, PA! I heard that they have little Hershey kiss shaped pillows in the hotels.
I would also like to have one or two more babies. I love my baby boy, and it truly is a wonderful experience. I miss going to appointments and hearing the heartbeat. I miss feel him move around in my belly. He use to give me "knucks" from the inside. LOL. I miss my belly jumping. Most of all, I miss that moment when my midwife put him on my chest. As she put it, "That's the discovery moment for him, and the "it was all worth it" moment for me. It truly was. You spend more than nine months with a tiny human inside of you, wondering what he looks like, what kind of personality he is going to have, what his voice sounds like. Then, in one instant, you find all that out and you can't remember ever not knowing! I definitely want to experience that again.
Sorry to any of you who are sick of hearing about how much I love my son. However, on the other hand...it is my blog and I can write about whatever I want. You don't have to read it. LOL. Thank you to those who do though.
Unanswered Prayers
"Just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he doesn't care. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
I watched the movie Unanswered Prayers yesterday. The whole idea is so true. I spent three years praying for a certain guy to propose to me. I finally woke up and realized he had no intention of marrying me. Looking back, I thank God that I didn't marry him.
He once asked me if I would forget everything he taught me if we were to break up. If only it were that easy. I wish I could. I wish I could go back in time and realize that I was OK the way I was and that I could find someone that would love me as I was. The only good thing I can say I learned from that relationship is that I should never change myself inside out to be who I think someone wants me to be. I pretended like I had no desires or goals in life except to support his dreams. I hid my disappointment every holiday when I opened some gift that looked like it could have been a ring. I even said that it was OK if we didn't get married until he completed all of his dreams. This was not true to myself. I am not blaming him for those things. I know that I should have stood up for myself and voiced my own dreams. I shouldn't have let him control me the way he did.
The positive side of this story is that looking back, I truly am thankful for unanswered prayers. God has a better plan for my life. I have a beautiful son that I love dearly, and hopes of having more babies like him in the future. I have a baby who loves me as I am, and doesn't want me to kill myself at the gym every day of my life to look like a starving twig, only to tell me I still need to work on a few areas.
I need to be told I am loved. Hearing the words more than once in a while doesn't lessen the meaning of those words. It reaffirms it for me. I need a man who would rather spend time with me, showing me that he loves me, rather than buying me things to make up for his absence. I am thankful for unanswered prayers.
I watched the movie Unanswered Prayers yesterday. The whole idea is so true. I spent three years praying for a certain guy to propose to me. I finally woke up and realized he had no intention of marrying me. Looking back, I thank God that I didn't marry him.
He once asked me if I would forget everything he taught me if we were to break up. If only it were that easy. I wish I could. I wish I could go back in time and realize that I was OK the way I was and that I could find someone that would love me as I was. The only good thing I can say I learned from that relationship is that I should never change myself inside out to be who I think someone wants me to be. I pretended like I had no desires or goals in life except to support his dreams. I hid my disappointment every holiday when I opened some gift that looked like it could have been a ring. I even said that it was OK if we didn't get married until he completed all of his dreams. This was not true to myself. I am not blaming him for those things. I know that I should have stood up for myself and voiced my own dreams. I shouldn't have let him control me the way he did.
The positive side of this story is that looking back, I truly am thankful for unanswered prayers. God has a better plan for my life. I have a beautiful son that I love dearly, and hopes of having more babies like him in the future. I have a baby who loves me as I am, and doesn't want me to kill myself at the gym every day of my life to look like a starving twig, only to tell me I still need to work on a few areas.
I need to be told I am loved. Hearing the words more than once in a while doesn't lessen the meaning of those words. It reaffirms it for me. I need a man who would rather spend time with me, showing me that he loves me, rather than buying me things to make up for his absence. I am thankful for unanswered prayers.
"I'm a beautiful butterfly" -caterpiller from bugs life
Anaïs Nin: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
"How does one become a butterfly" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
I think that these two quotes go along with my new years resolution of caring less about what other people think. There have been so many things that I have wanted to do in life but I didn't even want to voice to anyone because I was afraid of what they would think. One of my biggest fears in life is that someone will think what I want is stupid. Or maybe I have just always thought that the things I want in life are stupid. Do people think it is stupid that the greatest thing I want to accomplish in life is to be a wonderful wife and mother? That one might be the first thing that I choose not to care what other people think. Being a good mom might just be one of the hardest jobs out there. I haven't even gotten to the hardest part yet, I think...
Of course, there are other things that I want to accomplish, like getting completely out of debt, and not getting into debt again! Or, owning my own cake shop someday. Being a wife and a mom are just the two that are the most important to me. Don't get me wrong though, I don't judge anyone else if they have different goals in life than mine.
Yeah...I'm posting a lot on this blog right now...but I have a lot of things on my mind, and am enjoying this blogging thing.
"How does one become a butterfly" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
I think that these two quotes go along with my new years resolution of caring less about what other people think. There have been so many things that I have wanted to do in life but I didn't even want to voice to anyone because I was afraid of what they would think. One of my biggest fears in life is that someone will think what I want is stupid. Or maybe I have just always thought that the things I want in life are stupid. Do people think it is stupid that the greatest thing I want to accomplish in life is to be a wonderful wife and mother? That one might be the first thing that I choose not to care what other people think. Being a good mom might just be one of the hardest jobs out there. I haven't even gotten to the hardest part yet, I think...
Of course, there are other things that I want to accomplish, like getting completely out of debt, and not getting into debt again! Or, owning my own cake shop someday. Being a wife and a mom are just the two that are the most important to me. Don't get me wrong though, I don't judge anyone else if they have different goals in life than mine.
Yeah...I'm posting a lot on this blog right now...but I have a lot of things on my mind, and am enjoying this blogging thing.
The Bible says that we as a whole are similar to a human body. Some of us are heads, some hands, some feet, etc. We can't all be heads because we wouldn't be able to walk. You get the idea...How do you figure out what you were created to do? I have known for a long time that I was created to be a wife and mom. Those two things were the sole desires of my heart. I may have gotten a little ahead of myself, but God still blessed me with half of that desire so far. I know the other half will happen in time.
I am so thankful for my little boy though. Holding on to him is like trying to tame a whirlwind. I want so bad for him to remain a baby for just a little longer, but he gets bigger and smarter every day. He learned how to crawl up the stairs, to my chagrin. Now that he knows he can though, I am CONSTANTLY telling him "no, get down" and pulling him off the stairs.
Sometimes I feel panicked because I can't stop time, and I know Elliot will never be this little again. I am so thankful that I have been able to stay home with him this long. It has been an incredible miracle, and not of my own doing. I know that I have to give God all the glory for this one. When I quit my job last January, I had saved just enough money to be able to stay home until he was about 3 months old. He is now EIGHT months old, and I think I have enough money to stay home for about two more months! I know that this IS a miracle. I have had more cake orders in a couple of months than I had the whole last year in Anchorage. My brother surprised me with new tires for my car. That was an amazing blessing. I knew I needed new tires, but was going to wait until I went back to work. He insisted though, and wouldn't let me say no.
Anyway, I got a little off track, but it doesn't really matter, right? This is my blog and I can talk about whatever I want. Just a cathartic way to get thoughts out anyway. I still feel a little dorky about this whole blog thing though...I've been thinking about what I want the blog to be about, but I think I might just let it go wherever it goes.
I am so thankful for my little boy though. Holding on to him is like trying to tame a whirlwind. I want so bad for him to remain a baby for just a little longer, but he gets bigger and smarter every day. He learned how to crawl up the stairs, to my chagrin. Now that he knows he can though, I am CONSTANTLY telling him "no, get down" and pulling him off the stairs.
Sometimes I feel panicked because I can't stop time, and I know Elliot will never be this little again. I am so thankful that I have been able to stay home with him this long. It has been an incredible miracle, and not of my own doing. I know that I have to give God all the glory for this one. When I quit my job last January, I had saved just enough money to be able to stay home until he was about 3 months old. He is now EIGHT months old, and I think I have enough money to stay home for about two more months! I know that this IS a miracle. I have had more cake orders in a couple of months than I had the whole last year in Anchorage. My brother surprised me with new tires for my car. That was an amazing blessing. I knew I needed new tires, but was going to wait until I went back to work. He insisted though, and wouldn't let me say no.
Anyway, I got a little off track, but it doesn't really matter, right? This is my blog and I can talk about whatever I want. Just a cathartic way to get thoughts out anyway. I still feel a little dorky about this whole blog thing though...I've been thinking about what I want the blog to be about, but I think I might just let it go wherever it goes.
New Year
Life can change in an instant. I had quite the year in 2010. I started it off pregnant and mean. I hate the cliche' but I was feeling mama grizzly-ish. I loved my unborn baby more than anything and would die before I let anything happen to him. Anyway, I guess I let hormones get the best of me. I gave birth to the desire of my heart, and shortly later reunited with his daddy. Of course I wish I could go back in time and change some things. However, as we all know, the past is the past. I am just thankful for today and how things have turned out despite my interference.
2011 is a new year. Again, cliche'...but true. I have high hopes for this year. By December 31, 2011 I hope to be married, pregnant and happy with my little family. Before today, I would have died if the guy I was dating saw that I wrote I wanted to get married. However, I am working on the whole honesty and communication thing. Hiding the desire of my heart before got me nowhere. Thank God! But still...
I don't usually think about resolutions too much, because I constantly have them in my head anyway I guess. I always want to be skinnier, exercise more, blah blah blah. This year though, I do have a resolution. I am going to try to care less about what others think and more about what I think. This starts with writing this blog. I've never written a blog before because I was afraid people would think that whatever I had to say was stupid. I was kind of like this with my whole life. Hopefully not this year though. So, Josh, if you are reading this...yes I want to get married. And any friends of his that are perhaps reading this, go ahead and tell him if you want. Hahaha. Sheesh, we have a kid together...I should be able to tell you that. LOL. I love you and our little man and I can't wait to be a family together.
2011 is a new year. Again, cliche'...but true. I have high hopes for this year. By December 31, 2011 I hope to be married, pregnant and happy with my little family. Before today, I would have died if the guy I was dating saw that I wrote I wanted to get married. However, I am working on the whole honesty and communication thing. Hiding the desire of my heart before got me nowhere. Thank God! But still...
I don't usually think about resolutions too much, because I constantly have them in my head anyway I guess. I always want to be skinnier, exercise more, blah blah blah. This year though, I do have a resolution. I am going to try to care less about what others think and more about what I think. This starts with writing this blog. I've never written a blog before because I was afraid people would think that whatever I had to say was stupid. I was kind of like this with my whole life. Hopefully not this year though. So, Josh, if you are reading this...yes I want to get married. And any friends of his that are perhaps reading this, go ahead and tell him if you want. Hahaha. Sheesh, we have a kid together...I should be able to tell you that. LOL. I love you and our little man and I can't wait to be a family together.
Lately I have been feeling so overwhelmed by my love for my son, and realizing his love for me. Today, he bathed my face in kisses. He grabs my ears and slobbers all over my cheeks, lips, and chin. It is truly the best gift in the whole entire world. I look at him at night, as I am nursing him to sleep, and wish that my body didn't require sleep. I would lay there all night and stare at my precious gift, as he holds my neck and sleeps. I didn't know how much a person truly can love, until I held him in my arms for the first time. I stare at him and think that there is no possible way there has ever been a more loved child in the history of the world.
I feel like my infant is slipping away at the speed of light. I feel like I am trying to hold onto something that can't be contained. He is already crawling all over the place, and pulling himself up on tables, sofas, anything. I am completely in love with him, and fall more in love each day. I know that each age seems like the perfect age, but I just wish he could stay tiny a little longer so I could hold him a little longer. My heart will break the day he says, "Down Mama".
I held him as he fell asleep tonight, and questioned how a person can bring a child into this world and not love it? How can they hold their baby and not say, "I love you" or "You're SOOOO Cute!"? This little tiny human is helpless and so completely dependant on you for every single one of their needs. They can't even hold a bottle! How can you do those things for this baby, and not fall in love? I think about people that lock their child in a closet. How did they come to that point? Did they always feel that little for their child? If so, how did the child survive infancy? If you feel that way, why not give the baby to someone who can love it? I know these are sad thoughts, but it is just on my mind.
Don't be so quick to put him down
For soon he'll ask to be set down
Don't take these moments for granted
Seal them in your heart
Listen to his kisses
He's whispering,"I love you Mama".
I feel like my infant is slipping away at the speed of light. I feel like I am trying to hold onto something that can't be contained. He is already crawling all over the place, and pulling himself up on tables, sofas, anything. I am completely in love with him, and fall more in love each day. I know that each age seems like the perfect age, but I just wish he could stay tiny a little longer so I could hold him a little longer. My heart will break the day he says, "Down Mama".
I held him as he fell asleep tonight, and questioned how a person can bring a child into this world and not love it? How can they hold their baby and not say, "I love you" or "You're SOOOO Cute!"? This little tiny human is helpless and so completely dependant on you for every single one of their needs. They can't even hold a bottle! How can you do those things for this baby, and not fall in love? I think about people that lock their child in a closet. How did they come to that point? Did they always feel that little for their child? If so, how did the child survive infancy? If you feel that way, why not give the baby to someone who can love it? I know these are sad thoughts, but it is just on my mind.
Don't be so quick to put him down
For soon he'll ask to be set down
Don't take these moments for granted
Seal them in your heart
Listen to his kisses
He's whispering,"I love you Mama".
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