Making it through

Oh the things no one ever tells you about parenting...they tell you how wonderful it is, how it's hard but rewarding. I think they don't put enough emphasis on how hard it will be at times. They don't tell you how weird it can be sometimes. 

"You can't have my hair if you don't try to wipe your own butt." There's a sentence I never imagined I would ever say! I said it today though. What do you do when your kid won't wipe himself and he just screams and cries until you will? Do you let him scream until he tries, or give up? Seriously people...

For as long as I can remember, all I have ever wanted was to have kids. I am so thankful God have me the desire of my heart. Three of them! They are wonderful, amazing, beautiful kids. Life has been so hard lately, though. All I want to do is hold them close and cherish these years, but I feel like all I am doing lately is disciplining them. 

There are so many blogs, articles and studies out there now about the "right" way of parenting. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind of advice. Or like In in the middle of a pop quiz and flipping through mountains of books, trying to find the answers. "Spare the rod and spoil the child," but don't spank because you will damage their fragile spirits. Let them cry it out, but you're abandoning them if you do. How did our own parents ever make it through parenting?!? How does ANYONE make it through?!? All this advice and none of it agrees.

For the last month, I have been trying to get my boys, ages 2 and 4, to go to sleep without me in their beds with them. Everything in me screams against making them do this alone. I know they need to gain some independence, but how can I possibly let them cry themselves to sleep when all they want is me? All I've ever wanted was them. 

I realize I'm babbling and going down different rabbit trails. I suppose I just need to vent and know that I'm not alone. I just want to be the best mom I can be, and am so scared of damaging them. That meme always pops into my head about how it's easier to raise kids right than repair adults...or something like that. I just want to do it right. I know I'll never get a second chance and I want to do my best with the first. 

Life Goes On

The hardest part of life, for me, is that it goes on. Life is constantly moving forward, always changing. Friendships, family, children. If something sad happens, life doesn't stop to let you grieve. If something happy happens, life doesn't stop to let you hold on to that moment for a little longer. I know most people don't like change, but change is so hard for me, good or bad. 

I love the blessings that have come my way. New friendships, new adventures, a new state and climate. I just wish that things didn't have to change to make room for those new blessings. I wish I didn't have to move thousands of miles away from my extended family to make a new and better life for my family. 

It seems like I have more bad days than good days with my kids lately, and Evie screams for hours every night, but I still cling to the wish that I could keep them little forever. They drive me crazy sometimes, but I dread the day I have to let them go. I want to hold them forever. I know they need to gain a little independence and not be so dependent on me, but the change hurts. 

The other day, Elliot told me that I didn't need to be sad that he would get big someday, because it was taking forever. How true that must seem for him. I remember being a child and constantly wishing for the next phase of my life: license, job, marriage, kids. It always felt like an eternity away. Now that I have my heart's desires, time is flying by in the blink of an eye. I feel like I'm scrambling around, trying to give my children the perfect childhood before it's over.

The day Elliot was born, I prayed that God would slow time down for me. However, it just keeps speeding up. SLOW DOWN!