Have you ever heard someone say they "deserve" something? For instance, "I deserve to be happy" or "I deserve something better than this". What makes a person deserve anything? I know some people are nice than others or live their life according to higher moral standards than others. Does this entitle them to something more than those who don't? We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, though.
I don't know what I think. I think that some people deserve horrible things, for the horrible things that they do or have done. I think that it might just be more simple though. I think people should be matched up with other people that have similar values and lifestyles as them. I don't like it when people say they deserve something though. You may "want" something in life, but I don't think people are entitled to certain things. Although, I do think people should be treated fairly. I don't really know how to get across what I am thinking.
When people say they deserve to be happy, what makes them think so? I think that they should perhaps stop a moment, and think about that statement. How do they know what will make them happy? I've heard a statistic before that people always think that they will finally be happy when they make just a little more money than they do at the moment. However, when they get to that point, the bar goes up once again. I think that life should be more about learning to be content whatever the circumstance. Obviously, I don't mean staying in abusive situations or anything like that. I mostly mean doing the best with what you have been given and what you have worked for. I don't think anyone DESERVES to be rich or have nice things. I think we should work for what we need and want.
I guess this came up because I watched a few minutes of a show called "You've been cut off". These girls are taken out of their "princess" lifestyle, and put into a house together. They then have to work for what they want, to a point. They have to do chores to earn an allowance to buy groceries. They are put to a test, but they don't know it at the time. They are taken to a country club, poolside. They go crazy, eating the shrimp and drinking mimosas and champagne. They forget that they don't have any money though. It was crazy. In approximately 30 minutes, they rack up thousands of dollars in food and drinks. They are surprised when they learn they have to work that off because someone else isn't just going to pay it for them. The shocking thing to me though, was that when they got to the country club, they all started talking about how this is what they were made for. They all had a sense of entitlement. It wasn't something they worked for, it was just something they felt they deserved! I am thankful that I wasn't brought up that way. I do feel that I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance. I know that things could always be worse. I have learned that there are more important things in life than material things. Of course there are things that I want or would like to have. However, I know there are things that are more important to me, like being at home with my son.
Marriage
What does it take to make a marriage last “until death do us part”? The divorce rate in America is over 50%! That means that if you get married, and your friend gets married, it’s likely that one of those marriages will end in divorce.
I’ve been researching it online a bit…Is it a lack of knowing the person before you get married? Is it waiting too long to get married? Or is it just easier to give up?
I think that a lot of it has to do with the idea that you “deserve” this or that. What make a person deserve anything? It shouldn’t be this hard. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy, etc… Is love an emotion, or is love a choice? Do people get married because they are in love, and divorced because they fell out of love? Or were they just in love with the idea of being in love? Then, when it gets boring or somewhat monotonous, they say they aren’t in love anymore? I think that it has to be a healthy blend of emotion and choice. I think that you have to choose to love a person through the hard times. Obviously, it is work. It can’t always be a fairytale. When you get married though, you commit! You commit to forever, through good times and bad, sickness and health!
Part of what I have been reading online is questions to ask before you get married. I think that some people might be afraid to ask those questions because they don’t want to know the answer. At least I have had that thought in some of the relationships I have been in. I wanted to believe that we were going to live happily ever after. I chose to be blind and happy. It was too uncomfortable to have those conversations. I think it is important though. If you can’t have the conversations, how are you going to be able to survive in a marriage together?
What makes a good marriage? What makes two people compatible for marriage? I dated one guy who thought that it was important to love all of the same things. This sucked. I was so in love with the guy that I totally tried to act like I loved everything he did. I ran outside in the winter, which I HATED! But I tried to do it with a smile painted on my face. I froze my butt off doing so many outdoor things, when I am simply not an outdoor girl. I don’t think that you have to like ALL of the same things. I think that you should have similar interests, but it should be ok to have your own hobbies as well. You shouldn't have to change yourself for a person to love you. Find someone that loves you the way you are.
Thoughts for today
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11
"God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind."
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desire of your heart."
Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
O Lord, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths,a you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
True Love
How can you tell real love from infatuation? I don't just mean in romantic relationships, but in all relationships. How do you know when you truly love someone, and not just the idea. I think that you have come to "love someone fully when you would put aside your own selfishness and can be happy if they are happy. Or when you get past the "I need you" and settle into the "what do you need from me" stage.
I have a lot of examples going through my head, but the one that I can bring myself to talk about is my relationship with my son. Before and right after he was born, I knew I was totally in love with him. He was and is the desire or my heart, and I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted in my life. I needed him. I thought that I would die if something happened to him, or at least I would want to die. I couldn't even bear the thought of something being wrong or something bad happening. I felt this way because I need him.
Now, I have started thinking a little differently. I still need him and I would still die if anything happened to him. However, now I am thinking more about what he needs from me. How can I be a better mother to him? How can I assure him of my love more fully. Weight has always been a huge issue in my life. I have had to put it in the back of my mind since he was born because I am breastfeeding. In the past, when I needed to lose weight, I would go on a crazy starvation diet or I would exercise as much as I could. I can't do this though if I want to provide the best nutrition for him. I saw a quote on facebook that says, "My child needs a role-model, not a super model". I have been trying to tell myself this. Anyway, this is a situation where I have to put his needs above my own.
I am NOT saying I am perfect or love perfectly. I get distracted a lot and have selfish thoughts all the time. I am trying to be a better mother though. I have been trying to remember to get down on the floor with him more, spend less of his awake time on the computer or doing something else. (He is already asleep for the night). I don't want to look back in 18 years and regret what I spent my time on. These moments will only happen once. I already wonder what happened to the last 8 months. I do get distracted a lot, but I am trying to get distracted less. I want him to know that I am interested in him and his own little life, and the things that are important to him. I want to talk with him, not at him.
That's all for tonight.
I have a lot of examples going through my head, but the one that I can bring myself to talk about is my relationship with my son. Before and right after he was born, I knew I was totally in love with him. He was and is the desire or my heart, and I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted in my life. I needed him. I thought that I would die if something happened to him, or at least I would want to die. I couldn't even bear the thought of something being wrong or something bad happening. I felt this way because I need him.
Now, I have started thinking a little differently. I still need him and I would still die if anything happened to him. However, now I am thinking more about what he needs from me. How can I be a better mother to him? How can I assure him of my love more fully. Weight has always been a huge issue in my life. I have had to put it in the back of my mind since he was born because I am breastfeeding. In the past, when I needed to lose weight, I would go on a crazy starvation diet or I would exercise as much as I could. I can't do this though if I want to provide the best nutrition for him. I saw a quote on facebook that says, "My child needs a role-model, not a super model". I have been trying to tell myself this. Anyway, this is a situation where I have to put his needs above my own.
I am NOT saying I am perfect or love perfectly. I get distracted a lot and have selfish thoughts all the time. I am trying to be a better mother though. I have been trying to remember to get down on the floor with him more, spend less of his awake time on the computer or doing something else. (He is already asleep for the night). I don't want to look back in 18 years and regret what I spent my time on. These moments will only happen once. I already wonder what happened to the last 8 months. I do get distracted a lot, but I am trying to get distracted less. I want him to know that I am interested in him and his own little life, and the things that are important to him. I want to talk with him, not at him.
That's all for tonight.
Dare to Dream
If you could travel anywhere, live anywhere, or do anything you wanted without having to worry about money or anything else...what would you do. Or what DO you want to do. I have a lot of dreams and ambitions, I don't know if any of them will come to fruition or not. I think my biggest dream, other than parenting and wifing (lol), is owning my own cake shop. I don't really think it would bring a whole lot of freedom, like when people say they want the freedom of being their own boss. I think that I am too anal to open my own cake shop just to turn the reigns over to someone else. I would LOVE having my own shop though. The whole process of making an artistic cake is not easy. It is a kind of stress that I like though. It's kind of like doing the dishes...you see a whole pile and mess when you start, but you can see your accomplishment when you are done. Granted, some of my cakes have been flops and are embarrassing now, but I'm still learning.
My other big dream is traveling. I would really like to go to New York near Christmas time. I want to see a Broadway play, go ice skating in Central Park, see the big Christmas tree, and even stand outside of the Today show! While I am there, I will travel down to New Jersey and go to Carlos' Bakery, aka CAKE BOSS! I have to go to Hawaii before I die. LOL. Hopefully for a honeymoon or maybe my actual wedding. Also, being the chocolate lover I am, want to go to Hershey, PA! I heard that they have little Hershey kiss shaped pillows in the hotels.
I would also like to have one or two more babies. I love my baby boy, and it truly is a wonderful experience. I miss going to appointments and hearing the heartbeat. I miss feel him move around in my belly. He use to give me "knucks" from the inside. LOL. I miss my belly jumping. Most of all, I miss that moment when my midwife put him on my chest. As she put it, "That's the discovery moment for him, and the "it was all worth it" moment for me. It truly was. You spend more than nine months with a tiny human inside of you, wondering what he looks like, what kind of personality he is going to have, what his voice sounds like. Then, in one instant, you find all that out and you can't remember ever not knowing! I definitely want to experience that again.
Sorry to any of you who are sick of hearing about how much I love my son. However, on the other hand...it is my blog and I can write about whatever I want. You don't have to read it. LOL. Thank you to those who do though.
My other big dream is traveling. I would really like to go to New York near Christmas time. I want to see a Broadway play, go ice skating in Central Park, see the big Christmas tree, and even stand outside of the Today show! While I am there, I will travel down to New Jersey and go to Carlos' Bakery, aka CAKE BOSS! I have to go to Hawaii before I die. LOL. Hopefully for a honeymoon or maybe my actual wedding. Also, being the chocolate lover I am, want to go to Hershey, PA! I heard that they have little Hershey kiss shaped pillows in the hotels.
I would also like to have one or two more babies. I love my baby boy, and it truly is a wonderful experience. I miss going to appointments and hearing the heartbeat. I miss feel him move around in my belly. He use to give me "knucks" from the inside. LOL. I miss my belly jumping. Most of all, I miss that moment when my midwife put him on my chest. As she put it, "That's the discovery moment for him, and the "it was all worth it" moment for me. It truly was. You spend more than nine months with a tiny human inside of you, wondering what he looks like, what kind of personality he is going to have, what his voice sounds like. Then, in one instant, you find all that out and you can't remember ever not knowing! I definitely want to experience that again.
Sorry to any of you who are sick of hearing about how much I love my son. However, on the other hand...it is my blog and I can write about whatever I want. You don't have to read it. LOL. Thank you to those who do though.
Unanswered Prayers
"Just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he doesn't care. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
I watched the movie Unanswered Prayers yesterday. The whole idea is so true. I spent three years praying for a certain guy to propose to me. I finally woke up and realized he had no intention of marrying me. Looking back, I thank God that I didn't marry him.
He once asked me if I would forget everything he taught me if we were to break up. If only it were that easy. I wish I could. I wish I could go back in time and realize that I was OK the way I was and that I could find someone that would love me as I was. The only good thing I can say I learned from that relationship is that I should never change myself inside out to be who I think someone wants me to be. I pretended like I had no desires or goals in life except to support his dreams. I hid my disappointment every holiday when I opened some gift that looked like it could have been a ring. I even said that it was OK if we didn't get married until he completed all of his dreams. This was not true to myself. I am not blaming him for those things. I know that I should have stood up for myself and voiced my own dreams. I shouldn't have let him control me the way he did.
The positive side of this story is that looking back, I truly am thankful for unanswered prayers. God has a better plan for my life. I have a beautiful son that I love dearly, and hopes of having more babies like him in the future. I have a baby who loves me as I am, and doesn't want me to kill myself at the gym every day of my life to look like a starving twig, only to tell me I still need to work on a few areas.
I need to be told I am loved. Hearing the words more than once in a while doesn't lessen the meaning of those words. It reaffirms it for me. I need a man who would rather spend time with me, showing me that he loves me, rather than buying me things to make up for his absence. I am thankful for unanswered prayers.
I watched the movie Unanswered Prayers yesterday. The whole idea is so true. I spent three years praying for a certain guy to propose to me. I finally woke up and realized he had no intention of marrying me. Looking back, I thank God that I didn't marry him.
He once asked me if I would forget everything he taught me if we were to break up. If only it were that easy. I wish I could. I wish I could go back in time and realize that I was OK the way I was and that I could find someone that would love me as I was. The only good thing I can say I learned from that relationship is that I should never change myself inside out to be who I think someone wants me to be. I pretended like I had no desires or goals in life except to support his dreams. I hid my disappointment every holiday when I opened some gift that looked like it could have been a ring. I even said that it was OK if we didn't get married until he completed all of his dreams. This was not true to myself. I am not blaming him for those things. I know that I should have stood up for myself and voiced my own dreams. I shouldn't have let him control me the way he did.
The positive side of this story is that looking back, I truly am thankful for unanswered prayers. God has a better plan for my life. I have a beautiful son that I love dearly, and hopes of having more babies like him in the future. I have a baby who loves me as I am, and doesn't want me to kill myself at the gym every day of my life to look like a starving twig, only to tell me I still need to work on a few areas.
I need to be told I am loved. Hearing the words more than once in a while doesn't lessen the meaning of those words. It reaffirms it for me. I need a man who would rather spend time with me, showing me that he loves me, rather than buying me things to make up for his absence. I am thankful for unanswered prayers.
"I'm a beautiful butterfly" -caterpiller from bugs life
Anaïs Nin: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
"How does one become a butterfly" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
I think that these two quotes go along with my new years resolution of caring less about what other people think. There have been so many things that I have wanted to do in life but I didn't even want to voice to anyone because I was afraid of what they would think. One of my biggest fears in life is that someone will think what I want is stupid. Or maybe I have just always thought that the things I want in life are stupid. Do people think it is stupid that the greatest thing I want to accomplish in life is to be a wonderful wife and mother? That one might be the first thing that I choose not to care what other people think. Being a good mom might just be one of the hardest jobs out there. I haven't even gotten to the hardest part yet, I think...
Of course, there are other things that I want to accomplish, like getting completely out of debt, and not getting into debt again! Or, owning my own cake shop someday. Being a wife and a mom are just the two that are the most important to me. Don't get me wrong though, I don't judge anyone else if they have different goals in life than mine.
Yeah...I'm posting a lot on this blog right now...but I have a lot of things on my mind, and am enjoying this blogging thing.
"How does one become a butterfly" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
I think that these two quotes go along with my new years resolution of caring less about what other people think. There have been so many things that I have wanted to do in life but I didn't even want to voice to anyone because I was afraid of what they would think. One of my biggest fears in life is that someone will think what I want is stupid. Or maybe I have just always thought that the things I want in life are stupid. Do people think it is stupid that the greatest thing I want to accomplish in life is to be a wonderful wife and mother? That one might be the first thing that I choose not to care what other people think. Being a good mom might just be one of the hardest jobs out there. I haven't even gotten to the hardest part yet, I think...
Of course, there are other things that I want to accomplish, like getting completely out of debt, and not getting into debt again! Or, owning my own cake shop someday. Being a wife and a mom are just the two that are the most important to me. Don't get me wrong though, I don't judge anyone else if they have different goals in life than mine.
Yeah...I'm posting a lot on this blog right now...but I have a lot of things on my mind, and am enjoying this blogging thing.
The Bible says that we as a whole are similar to a human body. Some of us are heads, some hands, some feet, etc. We can't all be heads because we wouldn't be able to walk. You get the idea...How do you figure out what you were created to do? I have known for a long time that I was created to be a wife and mom. Those two things were the sole desires of my heart. I may have gotten a little ahead of myself, but God still blessed me with half of that desire so far. I know the other half will happen in time.
I am so thankful for my little boy though. Holding on to him is like trying to tame a whirlwind. I want so bad for him to remain a baby for just a little longer, but he gets bigger and smarter every day. He learned how to crawl up the stairs, to my chagrin. Now that he knows he can though, I am CONSTANTLY telling him "no, get down" and pulling him off the stairs.
Sometimes I feel panicked because I can't stop time, and I know Elliot will never be this little again. I am so thankful that I have been able to stay home with him this long. It has been an incredible miracle, and not of my own doing. I know that I have to give God all the glory for this one. When I quit my job last January, I had saved just enough money to be able to stay home until he was about 3 months old. He is now EIGHT months old, and I think I have enough money to stay home for about two more months! I know that this IS a miracle. I have had more cake orders in a couple of months than I had the whole last year in Anchorage. My brother surprised me with new tires for my car. That was an amazing blessing. I knew I needed new tires, but was going to wait until I went back to work. He insisted though, and wouldn't let me say no.
Anyway, I got a little off track, but it doesn't really matter, right? This is my blog and I can talk about whatever I want. Just a cathartic way to get thoughts out anyway. I still feel a little dorky about this whole blog thing though...I've been thinking about what I want the blog to be about, but I think I might just let it go wherever it goes.
I am so thankful for my little boy though. Holding on to him is like trying to tame a whirlwind. I want so bad for him to remain a baby for just a little longer, but he gets bigger and smarter every day. He learned how to crawl up the stairs, to my chagrin. Now that he knows he can though, I am CONSTANTLY telling him "no, get down" and pulling him off the stairs.
Sometimes I feel panicked because I can't stop time, and I know Elliot will never be this little again. I am so thankful that I have been able to stay home with him this long. It has been an incredible miracle, and not of my own doing. I know that I have to give God all the glory for this one. When I quit my job last January, I had saved just enough money to be able to stay home until he was about 3 months old. He is now EIGHT months old, and I think I have enough money to stay home for about two more months! I know that this IS a miracle. I have had more cake orders in a couple of months than I had the whole last year in Anchorage. My brother surprised me with new tires for my car. That was an amazing blessing. I knew I needed new tires, but was going to wait until I went back to work. He insisted though, and wouldn't let me say no.
Anyway, I got a little off track, but it doesn't really matter, right? This is my blog and I can talk about whatever I want. Just a cathartic way to get thoughts out anyway. I still feel a little dorky about this whole blog thing though...I've been thinking about what I want the blog to be about, but I think I might just let it go wherever it goes.
New Year
Life can change in an instant. I had quite the year in 2010. I started it off pregnant and mean. I hate the cliche' but I was feeling mama grizzly-ish. I loved my unborn baby more than anything and would die before I let anything happen to him. Anyway, I guess I let hormones get the best of me. I gave birth to the desire of my heart, and shortly later reunited with his daddy. Of course I wish I could go back in time and change some things. However, as we all know, the past is the past. I am just thankful for today and how things have turned out despite my interference.
2011 is a new year. Again, cliche'...but true. I have high hopes for this year. By December 31, 2011 I hope to be married, pregnant and happy with my little family. Before today, I would have died if the guy I was dating saw that I wrote I wanted to get married. However, I am working on the whole honesty and communication thing. Hiding the desire of my heart before got me nowhere. Thank God! But still...
I don't usually think about resolutions too much, because I constantly have them in my head anyway I guess. I always want to be skinnier, exercise more, blah blah blah. This year though, I do have a resolution. I am going to try to care less about what others think and more about what I think. This starts with writing this blog. I've never written a blog before because I was afraid people would think that whatever I had to say was stupid. I was kind of like this with my whole life. Hopefully not this year though. So, Josh, if you are reading this...yes I want to get married. And any friends of his that are perhaps reading this, go ahead and tell him if you want. Hahaha. Sheesh, we have a kid together...I should be able to tell you that. LOL. I love you and our little man and I can't wait to be a family together.
2011 is a new year. Again, cliche'...but true. I have high hopes for this year. By December 31, 2011 I hope to be married, pregnant and happy with my little family. Before today, I would have died if the guy I was dating saw that I wrote I wanted to get married. However, I am working on the whole honesty and communication thing. Hiding the desire of my heart before got me nowhere. Thank God! But still...
I don't usually think about resolutions too much, because I constantly have them in my head anyway I guess. I always want to be skinnier, exercise more, blah blah blah. This year though, I do have a resolution. I am going to try to care less about what others think and more about what I think. This starts with writing this blog. I've never written a blog before because I was afraid people would think that whatever I had to say was stupid. I was kind of like this with my whole life. Hopefully not this year though. So, Josh, if you are reading this...yes I want to get married. And any friends of his that are perhaps reading this, go ahead and tell him if you want. Hahaha. Sheesh, we have a kid together...I should be able to tell you that. LOL. I love you and our little man and I can't wait to be a family together.
Lately I have been feeling so overwhelmed by my love for my son, and realizing his love for me. Today, he bathed my face in kisses. He grabs my ears and slobbers all over my cheeks, lips, and chin. It is truly the best gift in the whole entire world. I look at him at night, as I am nursing him to sleep, and wish that my body didn't require sleep. I would lay there all night and stare at my precious gift, as he holds my neck and sleeps. I didn't know how much a person truly can love, until I held him in my arms for the first time. I stare at him and think that there is no possible way there has ever been a more loved child in the history of the world.
I feel like my infant is slipping away at the speed of light. I feel like I am trying to hold onto something that can't be contained. He is already crawling all over the place, and pulling himself up on tables, sofas, anything. I am completely in love with him, and fall more in love each day. I know that each age seems like the perfect age, but I just wish he could stay tiny a little longer so I could hold him a little longer. My heart will break the day he says, "Down Mama".
I held him as he fell asleep tonight, and questioned how a person can bring a child into this world and not love it? How can they hold their baby and not say, "I love you" or "You're SOOOO Cute!"? This little tiny human is helpless and so completely dependant on you for every single one of their needs. They can't even hold a bottle! How can you do those things for this baby, and not fall in love? I think about people that lock their child in a closet. How did they come to that point? Did they always feel that little for their child? If so, how did the child survive infancy? If you feel that way, why not give the baby to someone who can love it? I know these are sad thoughts, but it is just on my mind.
Don't be so quick to put him down
For soon he'll ask to be set down
Don't take these moments for granted
Seal them in your heart
Listen to his kisses
He's whispering,"I love you Mama".
I feel like my infant is slipping away at the speed of light. I feel like I am trying to hold onto something that can't be contained. He is already crawling all over the place, and pulling himself up on tables, sofas, anything. I am completely in love with him, and fall more in love each day. I know that each age seems like the perfect age, but I just wish he could stay tiny a little longer so I could hold him a little longer. My heart will break the day he says, "Down Mama".
I held him as he fell asleep tonight, and questioned how a person can bring a child into this world and not love it? How can they hold their baby and not say, "I love you" or "You're SOOOO Cute!"? This little tiny human is helpless and so completely dependant on you for every single one of their needs. They can't even hold a bottle! How can you do those things for this baby, and not fall in love? I think about people that lock their child in a closet. How did they come to that point? Did they always feel that little for their child? If so, how did the child survive infancy? If you feel that way, why not give the baby to someone who can love it? I know these are sad thoughts, but it is just on my mind.
Don't be so quick to put him down
For soon he'll ask to be set down
Don't take these moments for granted
Seal them in your heart
Listen to his kisses
He's whispering,"I love you Mama".
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