Expectations

A friend recently wrote a blog about how different her life is from what her 17 year old self imagined. It made me look back to what I thought my life would be like and what I thought I wanted. When I was younger, I wanted to be a pastor's wife by 18 and start having lots of kids. Needless to say, as the years went by, I felt more and more like an old spinster. I was in such a rush to get married and have that life that I could have married someone that would have been very detrimental to my spirit and heart. Thankfully, I escaped the life I almost had.

Then I met Josh. He came in to my office one day to visit his friend, who was also my good friend. As soon as Josh left the office, I turned to Jason and asked who the hottie was. Jason, of course, got right on the phone and told Josh. The next day, a beautiful bouquet of flowers showed up with my name on them. Josh included a very sweet note.

We went on a couple of dates over the next year or so, but lost touch in between. I think I fought falling in love with him. I think subconsciously I thought that as long as I didn't fall in love, I wouldn't be the one to get hurt again. HOWEVER, he made me fall in love with him. Sneaky, sneaky man.

Today, I am SO incredibly thankful for the life I got! I may not have the ring on my finger yet, but I know this is the man I am going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I may be 25, 7 years older than expected, but He was so worth the wait. I am happy for life's unexpected twists and turns that brought me to where I am today.

Adjustment Bureau

Josh & I just watched the new movie "Adjustment Bureau". I thought it was a great movie. It really makes you think. What if this was reality? The whole movie is about free will. Matt Damon meets a girl in a bathroom and it changes his life. The two of them think they were meant for each other. After a series of events of these "people" trying to remove her from his life, he comes to find out everyone has a set plan in life. There are "people" watching over the whole world to make sure that you end up where you are supposed to be according to this plan. If something happens, and you deviate from the plan, these "people" make small adjustments to get you back on the right track. In the movie, Matt Damon is not meant to be with this girl, but he can't stop thinking of her. He learns that the reason is because they can both be something great if they stay apart, but if they are together they grow complacent and don't become anything special. They are happy but not extraordinary.

He has to choose whether he wants them to be together costing not only his but her dreams too. He has to decide whether to trust "them" that they know what is best, or trust his heart and follow a path where he doesn't know the outcome. I think it is sort of like real life in that we all think we know what is best or what we want. We can't see the bigger picture though. Just like that song, Thank God for Unanswered Prayers", we don't know anything beyond this moment. How we feel today not be how we feel in a year.

The movie made me think though... I caught myself going back and forth between thinking he should just listen to "them" and do what they said was best for him, and thinking they are the bad guys just trying to keep him from what he was really meant for.

I've often wished in life that we didn't have free will. I've thought life would be so much easier if we didn't have choices. However, this movie really makes you think about just that. We think we don't want to make choices in life, but how would you feel if the choices were taken away? Would you trust the person making the choices for you, or would you fight with all you had to regain control?

At What Cost?

"How many have pulled down their souls to build up their estate?"

-Thomas Watson

I turned 25 today. I never get wigged out by turning another year older. I am usually excited, and love my birthday. I don't think I'll be one to have a "midlife crisis". I did have a moment of shame or embarrassment last night though, thinking about where I "should" be in life. My mom asked a good question though. She asked me if I would trade the last year, and trade Elliot, to be where people think I should be at in my life. No way in H E double hockey sticks! I would not trade Elliot for a million, trillion dollars! I can live with the debt I got myself into, and everything else, as long as I have God, my family, and my son.

Sure, I'd like to be out of debt sooner rather than later, but I don't have to let that desire drive me so much that I lose sight of the more important things. At my current rate, I can be out of debt in about 4 years. In four years, Elliot will be five. I don't want to look back in four years and wish I knew my son better.

Have you seen Madam Blueberry, the Veggie Tales movie? She is sad, so she goes to Stuff Mart and buys everything she sees, but none of it makes her any happier. There is a beautiful song in that movie that says, "A thankful heart is a happy heart. That's why I say thanks every day!" Madam blueberry sees a family celebrating their child's birthday. They only have one piece of cake and they are sharing it, and are happy. She realizes that it isn't what you have that makes you happy.

I'm 25. I have a lot of debt, and I live with my parents again. I had a career for 6 years, lived on my own and wasn't very happy. Honestly though, I am more happy with my life now than I have been in years. God blessed me with a wonderful, funny, smart, beautiful little boy...the desire of my heart. This has been the best birthday so far.

You know you're a mom if...

Ok, some of these are personal experience and some of them were shared with me. I'm not pointing out which are which in order to save face. LOL. But you know you're a mom if:

• You've gone through horrendous pain but forgotten all of it the instant you saw a scrunchy, grouchy, little face for the first time.
• You've gone through more cracked, bleeding, sore pain but pushed through it because the bond with your child was greater than the pain you felt.
• You've seen something gross on the floor and wondered if it was poop or something else...and smelled it to find out.
• Your baby/child peed or puked in the bed in the middle of the night, and being too exhausted to get up and change the sheets, you've thrown a towel or blanket over it and called it good.
• You've finished the left overs on your child's dinner plate.
• Realizing you forgot to give them a bite of your cookie/brownie/other good treat, you've taken a piece out of your mouth and given it to them.
• You've had a child slobber all over your cup and you still drank out of it.
• You can change a dirty diaper without throwing up because you realize that your hands are washable.
• You've smelled a baby butt because you aren't sure if that smell is coming from your baby or your significant other.
• You've let your infant pull your hair out because it comforts them while they are nursing.
• You've acted like a fool just to get a smile out of your baby.
• You've hopped across the floor on your knees, ribbitting like a frog, to get a laugh.
• You've painted and decorated paper towel rolls to make tootooroos.
• You've become more elated watching first steps, first laughs, first smiles, etc... take place than watching season finales of your favorite shows.
• You've said "I gotta go potty", even when only in the company of adults.
• And last but not least, you know you're a mom if you've experienced a greater love that you could ever have imagined and can't imagine one breath without that child in your life.