Kisses from the Heart

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

So I wrote about our miracle we received with Evangelina, but I didn't talk much about how hard those months were. While I did believe that God promised me that she was going to be ok, I am still human. I did still have my moments of despair and fear. I read too many stories and googled too many statistics. I prayed and prayed, but also cried.

One day, I was struck by a verse in the story where Peter walked on the water after Jesus told him to get out of the boat. In Matthew 14:29-31, it says, "Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” Dude! He walked on water, but you are saying he had little faith?!? He WALKED ON WATER! What I got out of this though, is that God doesn't just want us to have faith for a moment, he wants us to have complete faith in Him! Believe for the whole miracle! This was where it was hard for me. I knew He COULD do anything, but wasn't sure He would...

That first night after we found out she had cysts on her kidneys, it was hard to have faith. I prayed mostly that I would at least get to hold her for a little while. The specialists told us that IF she made it to birth, most babies don't live to a week. The more I read and prayed though, the more faith I felt welling up inside me. I prayed that I would at least get to bring her home for some time. The more I prayed, the bigger my prayers became. Now I pray that God will bless her with a LONG, healthy and happy life!

I'm amazed at what God has done for me, that He chose to do this for me. I know it doesn't always end up this way, and I am very thankful. But it wasn't always easy. It still isn't always easy. When she screams for an hour, my heart does fear. I'm afraid she's screaming for some reason I can't see. In those times, I am reminded of the father in Mark 9. Jesus asked him why he doubted. He answered, "Lord, I believe. Help me in my doubt." I have to pray that more than I wish I did.

God is still amazing me today! When she was born and we found out she had 6 toes on one foot, I admit I felt very mixed up. I felt like I did something wrong to cause it. Then I felt bad for feeling like it was a defect. However, my friend just reminded me of the verse that says, "how beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, proclaiming peace..." This just amazed me. Evangelina actually MEANS, "brings good news!" And even further than that amazing "coincidence" is that her middle name, Shahli, means, "joyous peace!" This is just crazy to me. Now I wish her toe didn't have to be removed. I will always remember though.

My Miracle

I've been trying to write this for the last six weeks. I want to shout it from the rooftops, but at the same time I want to make sure that I say everything that needs to be said. I don't want to leave anything out because I am so amazed and thankful for what God has done for us. I apologize in advance that this is so long, but there is so much to say!

When we found out we were having a little girl, we were also told that she had Polycystic Kidney Disease. They said her kidneys were larger than average and covered in tiny cysts. They told us that most couples would know they couldn't handle this. Most couples would realize that her quality of life would be horrible, and save her from that pain. They said that if we chose to keep her, to expect lots of doctors, dialysis, and transplants for the rest of her life. We were told there was a good chance that she wouldn't even make it to birth, and that if she did, we probably couldn't handle it because it would be so rough. We left the specialist's office devastated and heart broken. I knew that abortion would never be an option for me and was so thankful that Josh felt the same way. We were so in love with this little girl. She had a name. She had a family. She had worth. How could they suggest that we abort a little girl we had already fallen in love with, that I had felt kick inside me?

I always wondered how someone could continue trusting God or even believing in God if they had to go through something as horrible as losing a child. That night, I realized that God was the only thing I had left to hold on to. I couldn't do anything about the situation we were now facing. I couldn't save her. He was the only one that could do anything about anything. Instead of losing all hope, I found hope. He was my only hope.

I am not making this next part up. No joke. I opened my Bible, which I happened to be days behind reading. I opened it to the first day of the days that I needed to read, the day that I should have read about a week before. The verse I opened up to was Psalm 128:3. Paraphrasing, it says, "your wife will be like a fruitful vine, producing many children. Your children will be like sturdy olive branches as they sit around your table." I cried and cried that night, but I truly believed this was a promise to me. I took that promise and it was all I had to hold on to. That same verse came up again a few months later, totally unexpected. I was reading again in another area of the Bible and I saw a fly. I swatted it with a piece of mail, which caused the pages of my Bible to flip. It landed on that same verse, but not in the same place I was reading it last time. It was all the way at the beginning of the book. That is when I knew for sure that it was a promise for me and not just a coincidence. (I know that sounds crazy.) I held on to and prayed that verse for the next five months. I wasn't the only one praying either. Hundreds of people prayed for my little girl. People I don't even know!

Months later, near the end of my pregnancy, at one of our million sonograms, the doctor told us he no longer thought that PKD was the likely cause of her enlarged and cystic kidneys. He said that she should have gotten worse, but she didn't. The amniotic fluid should have been gone by then, but it was still normal. He said PKD was still possible, but he wasn't betting on it. He told us that it could be displastic kidneys, some other syndromes, or just normal deviations from their "standard" measurements. We were elated at that news, but I was also mad. I was outraged that they tried to sway us to abort our beautiful baby. What if I had listened? How many women HAVE listened? We knew there were still possible outcomes that we wouldn't like, but I was still mad that they could take away all our hope and later say were probably wrong.

Anyway, we finally had our little girl on April 14, 2014. She does have cysts on her kidneys, but she has FULL FUNCTION of them as well! The doctors said they couldn't have asked for a better birth and that we got the best possible outcome! She is beautiful and perfect! Her quality of life is wonderful! I know some people will read this and will think it was just a fluke or that nothing was ever wrong in the first place. I know in my heart though that God saved my little girl. He heard my cry and answered my prayers. I don't know why he doesn't answer all prayers, and sometimes I feel guilty for getting a miracle. However, I know that he did hear my prayers! And I am so thankful. I can't keep quiet about it. I want to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone I know that miracles do happen! A situation that I always thought would kill my faith ended up strengthening it. I want everyone to know that doctors are not always right! There is always hope. Don't give up. I don't know what you need or what you may be praying for, but don't give up. If you are a prayer, please keep Evangelina in your prayers.

P.S. She was born with a sixth toe. At first, I was sad about this because I was so worried that people would make fun of her. My friend, Denise, made me see it in a different light. She said we prayed so long that she would have "enough", but God gave her MORE than enough!

Facts About My Family

Everyone on Facebook has been posting things about themselves that you probably don't know. I have really enjoyed reading all of them. It is fun to see how different everyone is, and how alike we are in other ways. On our family page, we have started posting facts about other people in our family. I think I enjoy these posts even more! Here are some facts about my family.

Elliot Holloway:

He's very OCD. if you give him square waffles a few days in a row, he will not eat a round waffle the next. Also, he won't eat any pieces that look different from the rest. This includes quesadillas with cheese poking out. He will not eat a piece with any cheese showing.
His favorite color changes depending in who his favorite person is that day and their favorite color.
He is very private. No one is allowed near the bathroom when he is peeing. But he will run around the house naked, pretending his wiener is a fire hose.
He doesn't like to be called anything but Elliot, but his Gagas can call him Bubby.
He wants to be an "inja turtle" when he grows up.
He is obsessed with my hair. He can't fall asleep without it. He likes to run his fingers through it, stab it in his ear, or feather his eyes with it. And he has a super sense about when I put it in a hair tie. He immediately starts chanting, "want your hair like a square, hair like a square."
He would stay outside 24/7 if he could, but refuses to pee outside.
He loves to make up words, and a lot of them sound like very bad words.
He hates having dirty, sticky, Or greasy fingers. I have to wipe his hands with wet wipes at least two or three times sting every meal.
He's very sweet and tenderhearted, and tells me he loves me a million times a day. He pretends like his brother is so annoying, but if you ask him who his best friend, he immediately says, "Ethan."
He loves it when I sing "Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty" to him while he falls asleep. He will purr like a kitten while I scratch or pet his back.

Ethan Holloway

His nickname is Zazz, Zazzy, or Zazzers. This is what he answers to the most.
His favorite books are Go Dog Go and Where's My Truck. He will listen to me read these over and over and over. And over.
He LOVES Peppa Pig, and cries for it the whole time Elliot watches anything else.
He ADORES Elliot and copies everything he does. If Elliot gets hurt, Ethan acts like he has the same owie.
He will eat almost anything you give him, unless he sees that Elliot won't.
When I'm putting him to bed, he HAS to stretch out the elastic band in my pants with his foot. I move his foot at least ten times before he quits.
He hurt his toe six months ago, but still relives the pain multiple times a day.
He's a clown and loves to make people laugh.
He loves cats and loves to meow.
He wants this baby to be a "GOAL!" Not a boy.
He thinks it is absolutely hysterical if you smell his feet and pretend they stink to high heaven. It never gets old to him.

Josh Holloway

His favorite movie of all time is Conan the Barbarian.
His most prized materialistic possession is his '99 Dodge Dakota Bellringer. Don't ask him who he would pick if it was between me and that truck. Just kidding. He'd pick the truck. Joking Joking.
He loves all things sports, but his favorite sport is basketball. His favorite players are Dwight Howard for basketball and Peyton Manning for football. I asked him if he would love me more if I actually liked sports, but he said no because my choice in teams would probably turn him off.
He would absolutely love it if Elliot grew up to be a basketball player and Ethan a Professional (fake) wrestler.
His favorite color is blue. But really, have you met a guy whose favorite color wasn't blue or green?
His favorite foods are tacos or boiled peanuts.
He makes the best gosh darn salsa this here side of the Mississippi.
I think he is more excited about the boys being into the Ninja Turtles than they are. He's a sucker. He can't take Elliot to Walmart without coming home with a new ninja turtle toy.
When he was younger, he wanted ten kids.
He could take on one of the Duck Dynasty guys in a beard contest, and his beard is the first thing that attracted me to him.

Thanksgiving

I am sure you have seen all the "I'm thankful for..." posts people have been posting on facebook. Every year at Thanksgiving, people start with these posts on November 1st until Thanksgiving day. It may sound like a weird thing to be thankful for, but I posted that I am thankful Josh and I started our life together with nothing really. I mean, we have a lot of junk, but not a lot of assets. I am thankful for this because I feel like it helps us to be more thankful for the things we do have, especially each other, and for the things we do acquire.

As a former insurance sales person, I saw a lot of different situations. One situation that always bugged me were the kids that got brand new, expensive cars for their 16th birthday. It didn't bother me when parents got their kids cars, but there were certain kids that never learned to appreciate anything. These were the same kids that "refused" to do the journals for a 10% discount on the insurance. I don't understand that. If your parents are giving you a car, isn't the least you can do is a little journal?!? These were usually the same kids that didn't think it was a big deal when they totaled the cars. They'd just get a new one. The kids that had to work for the car, or start with a beater, seemed a little more thankful. I am not saying this was always the case, just a big percentage.

I have found myself not being as thankful as I should be lately. Maybe it wasn't as much a lack of thankfulness as it was a loss of perspective. Everyone should know by now that I hate bugs, and have been having a hard time adjusting to that part of life in Tennessee. It has gotten to the point where I was thinking, "what in the world was I thinking. I wish I could just go back to freezing my butt off." I know we would not be happy in Alaska. I WASN'T happy in Alaska. I lost my perspective. Look at this gorgeous state I live in, full of sunshine! And a beautiful, spacious house for my children to run in that my mother-in-law has so graciously allowed us to occupy!

My mom posted a photo this morning of the first house we lived in when we moved to Alaska. Talk about an eye-opener! It was a 96 square foot room. We had a wood stove for heat, a camping stove to cook on, and a bucket with a hanging sheet around it for a bathroom. We didn't have running water for over a year. The first shower we had was a bag that we filled with water and sat in the sun for HOURS, and then hung from a nail so we could stand under it. Some people would gasp at the thought, and believe me, I don't want to have to live that way again. However, we had everything we needed. We had heat, food, and shelter from the snow. We survived, and are definitely stronger for it. At least I know that if we ever had to, I could do this again.

I got to hear Miss Kay, from Duck Dynasty, speak a few months ago. Someone asked her how she feels about her sons now living in these huge houses. She said that she always tells them that they have to remember where they came from, and that if they ever forget, she hopes it all gets taken away. That sounds harsh, but it's just like my favorite Veggie Tales says, "A thankful heart is a happy heart, that's why I say thanks every day!" We don't have to want to go back to where we came from, but we should be thankful for everything we have been blessed with now.

Time

Time goes by so fast. Why does it move so quickly as an adult, and seem like it crawls by as a child? I was reminded how fast time flies this morning, as my boys were snuggled up with me. Elliot wrapped his arms around me and I remembered something I never wanted to forget. For the first few months of his life, whenever he would nurse he would literally oink like a baby pig. "Oya oya oya." It was so hilariously cute. Ethan was nicknamed our "Farty Bear." He constantly sounded like he was blasting off. Once, at the doctors office, he farted SOOOO LOUD! Josh looked at me in horror because he thought it was me. He said there was no way that noise came from a baby. We were rolling with laughter. There are a million of these silly little things that I never want to forget.

This pregnancy has been a rough one for sure. I have often wanted to fast forward to April. If I could do that without missing out on this time with my boys, I would certainly do it. Though, when they were both born, I remember just praying that God would make time feel like it was crawling again. I know that before I know it, this baby growing inside me will be turning one, walking, talking, and asking to be set down. I wish I could keep my babies small forever. This makes Elliot sad. He always says he wants to be a big boy, and then I have to pretend like the thought doesn't make me want to bawl like a baby.

Some people may think I wrap myself up in my kids too much. I disagree. Everyone has a calling in life, something they were meant to do. Everyone has a different calling. I know, and have known since I was a kid myself, that my calling was to be a wife and mom. That doesn't mean that this will be my only purpose in life, or my purpose forever. But at this moment in time, this is what I am meant to do. This is what I want to do. I know it's not for everyone. It is hard sometimes, but it is so rewarding. It's the best thing I have ever done, and God has blessed me so much. I am so thankful that he gave me the desires of my heart. I hope the next 18 years slow down a bit. Life is wonderful, life is heart breaking, life is hard, life is beautiful. I am so blessed to be able to watch it happen from this perspective. We may not have it all from the world's perspective, but we are truly rich.

We Are Our Own Worst Critics

I am sure you have heard the old saying, "we are our own worst critics." I've heard it a thousand times. I'm sure it is true, but it still doesn't make you feel better when you are looking at some flaw you may have. I have always hated my hair. It is straight, thin, and super fine. It's impossible to do anything with it. Curls don't hold, and it pretty much just lays there, flat. Sara Evans sings, "all the straight haired girls, oh they all want curls, and the brunettes want to be blonde." That's how I have always felt.

Well, my oldest son, Elliot, has always had this thing with my hair...it's like his security blanket or something. He falls asleep with his hands all twisted up in it. He likes to sit next to me and run his hands through it while he drinks his juice. He has a super human ability to know when I am putting it up in a hair tie, or "hair comb" as he calls it. He automatically runs to me, repeating, "want your hair like a square," over and over. Don't ask me what "hair like a square" means...I'm not too sure, other than I know it means that he wants it down. Hahaha. As much as I have always hated my hair and envied every other girl's hair, my son loves it even more than I hate it.

We spend so much time trying to change ourselves to be someone else...someone we think is more acceptable. Wouldn't it be so much easier to just find the people that accept us as we are? I won a free haircut a month ago, and asked my husband to help me pick a haircut. He only wanted me to trim it because he said it likes it long. I asked, "even when it just lays there all flat and stringy?" He said yes.

My cousin is currently doing a 30 day experiment. She is avoiding all mirrors for 30 days. She isn't wearing makeup or styling her hair. There is a lot more to this experiment, but basically, she is just being herself. I think it is a wonderful experiment that more people should do! She said it has been really hard, essentially baring herself to the world. I encourage you to read her full blog at http://theanti-mirrorexperiment.blogspot.com/2013/08/welcome-to-my-purity-pursuit.html There is so much more than the little that I have mentioned, and it is really worth the read.

I understand a little of what she is going through. Before I had kids, I wouldn't leave my house without makeup on or curling my hair. I was extremely insecure with what I looked like, even with makeup on. I haven't really changed. I am still insecure, but I just don't have the energy to do all that anymore. I'll put mascara on occasionally, but I don't remember the last time I curled my hair. Hahaha. It is a huge change to go through though. You literally feel naked.

All that to say, we really are our own worst critics! Sure, we all have flaws. If we surround ourselves with the people that really love us though, they see us differently. They see us through eyes of love. They love us for who we really are, not someone we are trying to be. When I dyed my hair blonde a few months ago, my son cried all night. He begged me to turn it back to brown. When I said I couldn't, he asked me to put it back in the towel. He didn't need me to be someone else. He just wanted the me that he knew. Those are the people that we should surround ourselves with. Sure, the people around us should be a little more flexible, but they should love us for who we are. Not that we shouldn't take care of ourselves either, but we shouldn't have to work so hard to look like something we aren't.

They will know you by your love

I am currently reading The Purpose Driven Life, and the last chapter I read was about love. We were put here to love each other. It isn't one of our purposes in life, it IS our purpose. There is a quote I love that says, "To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides." As Christians, we could say SON instead of sun.

Really though, what else is there to life other than love? We can't take anything with us when we die. Who wants to be a millionaire if they don't have anyone to spend their life with, and enjoy that money with? Who wants to own huge houses, and boats, and other toys, and use them alone?

When I was growing up, my mom always told my sister and I that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want doesn't mean they aren't loving you the only way they know how, or with all they have. When I was little, we would do Kris Kringle baskets at Christmas time. It was basically Secret Santa. We would decorate baskets and hang them on the wall. Then, on Christmas Eve, we would all open our baskets and try to guess who our Secret Santa was. I remember one year, my brother, Nathan, opened his. It was FULL of little notes that said, "I love you." He said, "I know who I got...Claire." It was funny. It probably wasn't what he was hoping was in his basket, but I was only 5 or 6 though. I was giving him all I had at the time, and it was all my love.

Kurt Vonnegut said, "a purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved."...not just those who are easy to love. One thing I would always hear from people visiting Alaska is that the people are so friendly. You can bet that if you break down on the side of the road, or get stuck in a ditch, someone will stop to help you. How different would our world be if it was lie this everywhere?