Letting go

Change, change, change! Everything's changing all the time. This morning, I read a post about lasts. How there is a last time for everything and you don't know when it is your last time doing something. More specifically, it was about lasts with your children. While reading the post, I felt like my heart was actually breaking. Tears were falling. 

How can you want so badly for a day to end but the years to slow down?!? The days have been so hard lately, with two little boys running rampant and being wild. I've cried more days than not. However, the thought of waking up one day and realizing they are no longer sneaking into my bed at 2 in the morning, tears my heart in half. I don't want these years to fly by. I want to hold onto then forever. 

I know life is all about change. I know this isn't something new and that every mother has gone through this. But how? How do you get through this? My boys are only 2 and 4, but it seems like they were just born the other day. 

When Elliot is uncomfortable or nervous, he shifts from one foot to the other and holds his arms back like he is flying. He was doing this at preschool orientation yesterday, and my heart hurt. It is so hard to let go of his hand and push him out of the nest. It's incredibly hard knowing he doesn't understand why he has to do this, and that I'm the one making him. It's so hard to have to leave him at preschool, and only get to hope and pray that he makes friends. I can't make the friends for him. I can't take away his fears or his nervousness. 

I know I'm being a baby and over emotional lately. I just love my babies and don't want to let go. How am I ever going to make it through the ACTUAL empty best syndrome? The saying is so incredibly true, "your son holds your hand for a little while but your heart forever." I am so thankful to get to hold these chubby, sticky hands. I just want it to last a little longer. 

Making it through

Oh the things no one ever tells you about parenting...they tell you how wonderful it is, how it's hard but rewarding. I think they don't put enough emphasis on how hard it will be at times. They don't tell you how weird it can be sometimes. 

"You can't have my hair if you don't try to wipe your own butt." There's a sentence I never imagined I would ever say! I said it today though. What do you do when your kid won't wipe himself and he just screams and cries until you will? Do you let him scream until he tries, or give up? Seriously people...

For as long as I can remember, all I have ever wanted was to have kids. I am so thankful God have me the desire of my heart. Three of them! They are wonderful, amazing, beautiful kids. Life has been so hard lately, though. All I want to do is hold them close and cherish these years, but I feel like all I am doing lately is disciplining them. 

There are so many blogs, articles and studies out there now about the "right" way of parenting. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind of advice. Or like In in the middle of a pop quiz and flipping through mountains of books, trying to find the answers. "Spare the rod and spoil the child," but don't spank because you will damage their fragile spirits. Let them cry it out, but you're abandoning them if you do. How did our own parents ever make it through parenting?!? How does ANYONE make it through?!? All this advice and none of it agrees.

For the last month, I have been trying to get my boys, ages 2 and 4, to go to sleep without me in their beds with them. Everything in me screams against making them do this alone. I know they need to gain some independence, but how can I possibly let them cry themselves to sleep when all they want is me? All I've ever wanted was them. 

I realize I'm babbling and going down different rabbit trails. I suppose I just need to vent and know that I'm not alone. I just want to be the best mom I can be, and am so scared of damaging them. That meme always pops into my head about how it's easier to raise kids right than repair adults...or something like that. I just want to do it right. I know I'll never get a second chance and I want to do my best with the first. 

Life Goes On

The hardest part of life, for me, is that it goes on. Life is constantly moving forward, always changing. Friendships, family, children. If something sad happens, life doesn't stop to let you grieve. If something happy happens, life doesn't stop to let you hold on to that moment for a little longer. I know most people don't like change, but change is so hard for me, good or bad. 

I love the blessings that have come my way. New friendships, new adventures, a new state and climate. I just wish that things didn't have to change to make room for those new blessings. I wish I didn't have to move thousands of miles away from my extended family to make a new and better life for my family. 

It seems like I have more bad days than good days with my kids lately, and Evie screams for hours every night, but I still cling to the wish that I could keep them little forever. They drive me crazy sometimes, but I dread the day I have to let them go. I want to hold them forever. I know they need to gain a little independence and not be so dependent on me, but the change hurts. 

The other day, Elliot told me that I didn't need to be sad that he would get big someday, because it was taking forever. How true that must seem for him. I remember being a child and constantly wishing for the next phase of my life: license, job, marriage, kids. It always felt like an eternity away. Now that I have my heart's desires, time is flying by in the blink of an eye. I feel like I'm scrambling around, trying to give my children the perfect childhood before it's over.

The day Elliot was born, I prayed that God would slow time down for me. However, it just keeps speeding up. SLOW DOWN! 

There's nothing my God cannot do!

Does this look like a girl with cyst free kidneys?!? I'd say so! We just got home from the kidney doctor. My girl had to get an ultrasound and an IV blood draw, but she did great. 

The ultrasound tech asked if we had a family history of PKD. I said no and asked why. She said that she didn't see what they were talking about because she didn't see any cysts, enlargement, or any signs of PKD! 

We are still waiting to talk to the doctor tomorrow, by I am elated! I am so thankful. I came home with a song stuck in my head. "My God is so great! So strong and so mighty! There's nothing my  God cannot do!"

To anyone that prayed, thank you so much!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

So I wrote about our miracle we received with Evangelina, but I didn't talk much about how hard those months were. While I did believe that God promised me that she was going to be ok, I am still human. I did still have my moments of despair and fear. I read too many stories and googled too many statistics. I prayed and prayed, but also cried. 

One day, I was struck by a verse in the story where Peter walked on the water after Jesus told him to get out of the boat. In Matthew 14:29-31, it says, "Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” Dude! He walked on water, but you are saying he had little faith?!? He WALKED ON WATER! What I got out of this though, is that God doesn't just want us to have faith for a moment, he wants us to have complete faith in Him! Believe for the whole miracle! This was where it was hard for me. I knew He COULD do anything, but wasn't sure He would...

That first night after we found out she had cysts on her kidneys, it was hard to have faith. I prayed mostly that I would at least get to hold her for a little while. The specialists told us that IF she made it to birth, most babies don't live to a week. The more I read and prayed though, the more faith I felt welling up inside me. I prayed that I would at least get to bring her home for some time. The more I prayed, the bigger my prayers became. Now I pray that God will bless her with a LONG, healthy and happy life! 

I'm amazed at what God has done for me, that He chose to do this for me. I know it doesn't always end up this way, and I am very thankful. But it wasn't always easy. It still isn't always easy. When she screams for an hour, my heart does fear. I'm afraid she's screaming for some reason I can't see. In those times, I am reminded of the father in Mark 9. Jesus asked him why he doubted. He answered, "Lord, I believe. Help me in my doubt." I have to pray that more than I wish I did. 

God is still amazing me today! When she was born and we found out she had 6 toes on one foot, I admit I felt very mixed up. I felt like I did something wrong to cause it. Then I felt bad for feeling like it was a defect. However, my friend just reminded me of the verse that says, "how beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, proclaiming peace..." This just amazed me. Evangelina actually MEANS, "brings good news!" And even further than that amazing "coincidence" is that her middle name, Shahli, means, "joyous peace!" This is just crazy to me. Now I wish her toe didn't have to be removed. I will always remember though. 

My Miracle

I've been trying to write this for the last six weeks. I want to shout it from the rooftops, but at the same time I want to make sure that I say everything that needs to be said. I don't want to leave anything out because I am so amazed and thankful for what God has done for us. I apologize in advance that this is so long, but there is so much to say!

When we found out we were having a little girl, we were also told that she had Polycystic Kidney Disease. They said her kidneys were larger than average and covered in tiny cysts. They told us that most couples would know they couldn't handle this. Most couples would realize that her quality of life would be horrible, and save her from that pain. They said that if we chose to keep her, to expect lots of doctors, dialysis, and transplants for the rest of her life. We were told there was a good chance that she wouldn't even make it to birth, and that if she did, we probably couldn't handle it because it would be so rough. We left the specialist's office devastated and heart broken. I knew that abortion would never be an option for me and was so thankful that Josh felt the same way. We were so in love with this little girl. She had a name. She had a family. She had worth. How could they suggest that we abort a little girl we had already fallen in love with, that I had felt kick inside me?

I always wondered how someone could continue trusting God or even believing in God if they had to go through something as horrible as losing a child. That night, I realized that God was the only thing I had left to hold on to. I couldn't do anything about the situation we were now facing. I couldn't save her. He was the only one that could do anything about anything. Instead of losing all hope, I found hope. He was my only hope. 

I am not making this next part up. No joke. I opened my Bible, which I happened to be days behind reading. I opened it to the first day of the days that I needed to read, the day that I should have read about a week before. The verse I opened up to was Psalm 128:3. Paraphrasing, it says, "your wife will be like a fruitful vine, producing many children. Your children will be like sturdy olive branches as they sit around your table." I cried and cried that night, but I truly believed this was a promise to me. I took that promise and it was all I had to hold on to. That same verse came up again a few months later, totally unexpected. I was reading again in another area of the Bible and I saw a fly. I swatted it with a piece of mail, which caused the pages of my Bible to flip. It landed on that same verse, but not in the same place I was reading it last time. It was all the way at the beginning of the book. That is when I knew for sure that it was a promise for me and not just a coincidence. (I know that sounds crazy.) I held on to and prayed that verse for the next five months. I wasn't the only one praying either. Hundreds of people prayed for my little girl. People I don't even know!

Months later, near the end of my pregnancy, at one of our million sonograms, the doctor told us he no longer thought that PKD was the likely cause of her enlarged and cystic kidneys. He said that she should have gotten worse, but she didn't. The amniotic fluid should have been gone by then, but it was still normal. He said PKD was still possible, but he wasn't betting on it. He told us that it could be displastic kidneys, some other syndromes, or just normal deviations from their "standard" measurements. We were elated at that news, but I was also mad. I was outraged that they tried to sway us to abort our beautiful baby. What if I had listened? How many women HAVE listened? We knew there were still possible outcomes that we wouldn't like, but I was still mad that they could take away all our hope and later say were probably wrong. 

Anyway, we finally had our little girl on April 14, 2014. She does have cysts on her kidneys, but she has FULL FUNCTION of them as well! The doctors said they couldn't have asked for a better birth and that we got the best possible outcome! She is beautiful and perfect! Her quality of life is wonderful! I know some people will read this and will think it was just a fluke or that nothing was ever wrong in the first place. I know in my heart though that God saved my little girl. He heard my cry and answered my prayers. I don't know why he doesn't answer all prayers, and sometimes I feel guilty for getting a miracle. However, I know that he did hear my prayers! And I am so thankful. I can't keep quiet about it. I want to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone I know that miracles do happen! A situation that I always thought would kill my faith ended up strengthening it. I want everyone to know that doctors are not always right! There is always hope. Don't give up. I don't know what you need or what you may be praying for, but don't give up. If you are a prayer, please keep Evangelina in your prayers. 

P.S. She was born with a sixth toe. At first, I was sad about this because I was so worried that people would make fun of her. My friend, Denise, made me see it in a different light. She said we prayed so long that she would have "enough", but God gave her MORE than enough!  

Facts About My Family

Everyone on Facebook has been posting things about themselves that you probably don't know. I have really enjoyed reading all of them. It is fun to see how different everyone is, and how alike we are in other ways. On our family page, we have started posting facts about other people in our family. I think I enjoy these posts even more! Here are some facts about my family. 

Elliot Holloway:

1. He's very OCD. if you give him square waffles a few days in a row, he will not eat a round waffle the next. Also, he won't eat any pieces that look different from the rest. This includes quesadillas with cheese poking out. He will not eat a piece with any cheese showing. 
2. His favorite color changes depending in who his favorite person is that day and their favorite color. 
3. He is very private. No one is allowed near the bathroom when he is peeing. But he will run around the house naked, pretending his wiener is a fire hose.
4. He doesn't like to be called anything but Elliot, but his Gagas can call him Bubby. 
5. He wants to be an "inja turtle" when he grows up.
6. He is obsessed with my hair. He can't fall asleep without it. He likes to run his fingers through it, stab it in his ear, or feather his eyes with it. And he has a super sense about when I put it in a hair tie. He immediately starts chanting, "want your hair like a square, hair like a square."
7. He would stay outside 24/7 if he could, but refuses to pee outside. 
8. He loves to make up words, and a lot of them sound like very bad words. 
9. He hates having dirty, sticky, Or greasy fingers. I have to wipe his hands with wet wipes at least two or three times sting every meal. 
10. He's very sweet and tenderhearted, and tells me he loves me a million times a day. He pretends like his brother is so annoying, but if you ask him who his best friend, he immediately says, "Ethan."
11. He loves it when I sing "Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty" to him while he falls asleep. He will purr like a kitten while I scratch or pet his back. 

Ethan Holloway

1. His nickname is Zazz, Zazzy, or Zazzers. This is what he answers to the most.
2. His favorite books are Go Dog Go and Where's My Truck. He will listen to me read these over and over and over. And over.
3. He LOVES Peppa Pig, and cries for it the whole time Elliot watches anything else.
4. He ADORES Elliot and copies everything he does. If Elliot gets hurt, Ethan acts like he has the same owie.
5. He will eat almost anything you give him, unless he sees that Elliot won't. 
6. When I'm putting him to bed, he HAS to stretch out the elastic band in my pants with his foot. I move his foot at least ten times before he quits. 
7. He hurt his toe six months ago, but still relives the pain multiple times a day. 
8. He's a clown and loves to make people laugh. 
9. He loves cats and loves to meow. 
10. He wants this baby to be a "GOAL!" Not a boy.
11. He thinks it is absolutely hysterical if you smell his feet and pretend they stink to high heaven. It never gets old to him. 

Josh Holloway

1. His favorite movie of all time is Conan the Barbarian.
2. His most prized materialistic possession is his '99 Dodge Dakota Bellringer. Don't ask him who he would pick if it was between me and that truck. Just kidding. He'd pick the truck. Joking Joking.
3. He loves all things sports, but his favorite sport is basketball. His favorite players are Dwight Howard for       basketball and Peyton Manning for football. I asked him if he would love me more if I actually liked sports, but he said no because my choice in teams would probably turn him off. 
4. He would absolutely love it if Elliot grew up to be a basketball player and Ethan a Professional (fake) wrestler.
5. His favorite color is blue. But really, have you met a guy whose favorite color wasn't blue or green?
6. His favorite foods are tacos or boiled peanuts. 
7. He makes the best gosh darn salsa this here side of the Mississippi.
8. I think he is more excited about the boys being into the Ninja Turtles than they are. He's a sucker. He can't take Elliot to Walmart without coming home with a new ninja turtle toy. 
9. When he was younger, he wanted ten kids. 
10. He could take on one of the Duck Dynasty guys in a beard contest, and his beard is the first thing that attracted me to him. 

Thanksgiving

I am sure you have seen all the "I'm thankful for..." posts people have been posting on facebook. Every year at Thanksgiving, people start with these posts on November 1st until Thanksgiving day. It may sound like a weird thing to be thankful for, but I posted that I am thankful Josh and I started our life together with nothing really. I mean, we have a lot of junk, but not a lot of assets. I am thankful for this because I feel like it helps us to be more thankful for the things we do have, especially each other, and for the things we do acquire.

As a former insurance sales person, I saw a lot of different situations. One situation that always bugged me were the kids that got brand new, expensive cars for their 16th birthday. It didn't bother me when parents got their kids cars, but there were certain kids that never learned to appreciate anything. These were the same kids that "refused" to do the journals for a 10% discount on the insurance. I don't understand that. If your parents are giving you a car, isn't the least you can do is a little journal?!? These were usually the same kids that didn't think it was a big deal when they totaled the cars. They'd just get a new one. The kids that had to work for the car, or start with a beater, seemed a little more thankful. I am not saying this was always the case, just a big percentage.

I have found myself not being as thankful as I should be lately. Maybe it wasn't as much a lack of thankfulness as it was a loss of perspective. Everyone should know by now that I hate bugs, and have been having a hard time adjusting to that part of life in Tennessee. It has gotten to the point where I was thinking, "what in the world was I thinking. I wish I could just go back to freezing my butt off." I know we would not be happy in Alaska. I WASN'T happy in Alaska. I lost my perspective. Look at this gorgeous state I live in, full of sunshine! And a beautiful, spacious house for my children to run in that my mother-in-law has so graciously allowed us to occupy!

My mom posted a photo this morning of the first house we lived in when we moved to Alaska. Talk about an eye-opener! It was a 96 square foot room. We had a wood stove for heat, a camping stove to cook on, and a bucket with a hanging sheet around it for a bathroom. We didn't have running water for over a year. The first shower we had was a bag that we filled with water and sat in the sun for HOURS, and then hung from a nail so we could stand under it. Some people would gasp at the thought, and believe me, I don't want to have to live that way again. However, we had everything we needed. We had heat, food, and shelter from the snow. We survived, and are definitely stronger for it. At least I know that if we ever had to, I could do this again.

I got to hear Miss Kay, from Duck Dynasty, speak a few months ago. Someone asked her how she feels about her sons now living in these huge houses. She said that she always tells them that they have to remember where they came from, and that if they ever forget, she hopes it all gets taken away. That sounds harsh, but it's just like my favorite Veggie Tales says, "A thankful heart is a happy heart, that's why I say thanks every day!" We don't have to want to go back to where we came from, but we should be thankful for everything we have been blessed with now.

Time

Time goes by so fast. Why does it move so quickly as an adult, and seem like it crawls by as a child? I was reminded how fast time flies this morning, as my boys were snuggled up with me. Elliot wrapped his arms around me and I remembered something I never wanted to forget. For the first few months of his life, whenever he would nurse he would literally oink like a baby pig. "Oya oya oya." It was so hilariously cute. Ethan was nicknamed our "Farty Bear." He constantly sounded like he was blasting off. Once, at the doctors office, he farted SOOOO LOUD! Josh looked at me in horror because he thought it was me. He said there was no way that noise came from a baby. We were rolling with laughter. There are a million of these silly little things that I never want to forget.

This pregnancy has been a rough one for sure. I have often wanted to fast forward to April. If I could do that without missing out on this time with my boys, I would certainly do it. Though, when they were both born, I remember just praying that God would make time feel like it was crawling again. I know that before I know it, this baby growing inside me will be turning one, walking, talking, and asking to be set down. I wish I could keep my babies small forever. This makes Elliot sad. He always says he wants to be a big boy, and then I have to pretend like the thought doesn't make me want to bawl like a baby.

Some people may think I wrap myself up in my kids too much. I disagree. Everyone has a calling in life, something they were meant to do. Everyone has a different calling. I know, and have known since I was a kid myself, that my calling was to be a wife and mom. That doesn't mean that this will be my only purpose in life, or my purpose forever. But at this moment in time, this is what I am meant to do. This is what I want to do. I know it's not for everyone. It is hard sometimes, but it is so rewarding. It's the best thing I have ever done, and God has blessed me so much. I am so thankful that he gave me the desires of my heart. I hope the next 18 years slow down a bit. Life is wonderful, life is heart breaking, life is hard, life is beautiful. I am so blessed to be able to watch it happen from this perspective. We may not have it all from the world's perspective, but we are truly rich.

We Are Our Own Worst Critics

I am sure you have heard the old saying, "we are our own worst critics." I've heard it a thousand times. I'm sure it is true, but it still doesn't make you feel better when you are looking at some flaw you may have. I have always hated my hair. It is straight, thin, and super fine. It's impossible to do anything with it. Curls don't hold, and it pretty much just lays there, flat. Sara Evans sings, "all the straight haired girls, oh they all want curls, and the brunettes want to be blonde." That's how I have always felt.

Well, my oldest son, Elliot, has always had this thing with my hair...it's like his security blanket or something. He falls asleep with his hands all twisted up in it. He likes to sit next to me and run his hands through it while he drinks his juice. He has a super human ability to know when I am putting it up in a hair tie, or "hair comb" as he calls it. He automatically runs to me, repeating, "want your hair like a square," over and over. Don't ask me what "hair like a square" means...I'm not too sure, other than I know it means that he wants it down. Hahaha. As much as I have always hated my hair and envied every other girl's hair, my son loves it even more than I hate it.

We spend so much time trying to change ourselves to be someone else...someone we think is more acceptable. Wouldn't it be so much easier to just find the people that accept us as we are? I won a free haircut a month ago, and asked my husband to help me pick a haircut. He only wanted me to trim it because he said it likes it long. I asked, "even when it just lays there all flat and stringy?" He said yes.

My cousin is currently doing a 30 day experiment. She is avoiding all mirrors for 30 days. She isn't wearing makeup or styling her hair. There is a lot more to this experiment, but basically, she is just being herself. I think it is a wonderful experiment that more people should do! She said it has been really hard, essentially baring herself to the world. I encourage you to read her full blog at http://theanti-mirrorexperiment.blogspot.com/2013/08/welcome-to-my-purity-pursuit.html There is so much more than the little that I have mentioned, and it is really worth the read.

I understand a little of what she is going through. Before I had kids, I wouldn't leave my house without makeup on or curling my hair. I was extremely insecure with what I looked like, even with makeup on. I haven't really changed. I am still insecure, but I just don't have the energy to do all that anymore. I'll put mascara on occasionally, but I don't remember the last time I curled my hair. Hahaha. It is a huge change to go through though. You literally feel naked.

All that to say, we really are our own worst critics! Sure, we all have flaws. If we surround ourselves with the people that really love us though, they see us differently. They see us through eyes of love. They love us for who we really are, not someone we are trying to be. When I dyed my hair blonde a few months ago, my son cried all night. He begged me to turn it back to brown. When I said I couldn't, he asked me to put it back in the towel. He didn't need me to be someone else. He just wanted the me that he knew. Those are the people that we should surround ourselves with. Sure, the people around us should be a little more flexible, but they should love us for who we are. Not that we shouldn't take care of ourselves either, but we shouldn't have to work so hard to look like something we aren't.

They will know you by your love

I am currently reading The Purpose Driven Life, and the last chapter I read was about love. We were put here to love each other. It isn't one of our purposes in life, it IS our purpose. There is a quote I love that says, "To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides." As Christians, we could say SON instead of sun.

Really though, what else is there to life other than love? We can't take anything with us when we die. Who wants to be a millionaire if they don't have anyone to spend their life with, and enjoy that money with? Who wants to own huge houses, and boats, and other toys, and use them alone?

When I was growing up, my mom always told my sister and I that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want doesn't mean they aren't loving you the only way they know how, or with all they have. When I was little, we would do Kris Kringle baskets at Christmas time. It was basically Secret Santa. We would decorate baskets and hang them on the wall. Then, on Christmas Eve, we would all open our baskets and try to guess who our Secret Santa was. I remember one year, my brother, Nathan, opened his. It was FULL of little notes that said, "I love you." He said, "I know who I got...Claire." It was funny. It probably wasn't what he was hoping was in his basket, but I was only 5 or 6 though. I was giving him all I had at the time, and it was all my love.

Kurt Vonnegut said, "a purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved."...not just those who are easy to love. One thing I would always hear from people visiting Alaska is that the people are so friendly. You can bet that if you break down on the side of the road, or get stuck in a ditch, someone will stop to help you. How different would our world be if it was lie this everywhere?

Still Need to do this

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After Earth

My husband and I just saw the movie After Earth. I didn't want to see that particular movie, but it was really great! One part of the movie that really struck me was a lecture Will Smith was giving his son. He said, "If we are going to survive this, you have to realize that fear is not real. It is a product of the thoughts we create. Don't get me wrong, danger is real. But fear is a choice!" I can't find the rest of the quote anywhere, but it was something along the lines of fear just being thoughts we have about the future and how it will turn out.

It kind of goes along the lines of my last post and how my husband says that we can't hold on to bitterness and anger and such because people do crappy things to each other and that is just how the world is. I know I personally walk around afraid of anything and everything. I am constantly worried that I will get sick and die before my kids are old enough to know how much I love them. Or that my kids will get sick and I will have to go through the immense pain of losing them. But why do we walk in fear of these things? Most of our fears never come to fruition, and we can't stop the ones that do. So why can't we just enjoy today and not waste the days worrying about what might or might not happen.

In the movie, Will Smith also told his son, "Root yourself in this moment." I think that is what we really need to do...focus less on fear and more on today. In the movie, his sister asks him if he is afraid. He says no, he is just tired. She was happy and said, "Good, you have filled your heart (or mind...I can't remember) with something else." Basically, if you focus on something else, you won't have time or room for fear to creep in. Maybe that is the answer for any bad feeling...bitterness, anger, sadness, etc. Focus on something else and let that fill your heart and mind.

Bitterness

Joyce Meyer said, "I know from personal experience how damaging it can be to live with bitterness and forgiveness. I like to say that it is like taking poison and hoping your enemy will die. And it really is harmful for us to live this way."

I have been thinking about the above quote a lot this week. How do you get your enemy to drink the poison instead? Just kidding. Although, my mom would say, "The truth is often spoken in jest." Haha. Bitterness really is an evil root. It can consume you.

I often talk about the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." This movie was strange, but good. I've had discussions with friends on whether or not they would erase someone from their memory if they were given the option. Personally, if I could, I would. I am not one of those, "I have no regrets. Those experiences made me who I am today," kind of person. I would erase the memories and person in a heartbeat. I know that I, and my husband, would be better off if I could. Haha. My husband wouldn't have to tell me that I have him confused with someone else when I question the meaning of everything he says or does. Why is it that the person we marry usually has to pay the price for the mistakes of the losers we didn't marry?

Anyway, we were talking about this together. He is the total opposite of me, and that is great because he balances us out. LOL. He just lets everything roll off his shoulders. He said you can't hold onto bad things because people do crappy things, and you just have to forget about it because that's the way the world is. How do you do that though? How do you not be bitter? How do you forgive someone that doesn't even care? Or even if it isn't about forgiving them, how do you not let your past hurts influence who you are today?

Dr. Irene says, "Bitterness is the result of powerlessness in the face of anger. Bitterness is a trap that takes you away from dealing with what you have to deal with. It keeps you stuck. Stay in the here and now with your feelings. Take your power each and every day, in each of the hundreds of little interactions that make up daily life. As you begin to take control of your life, you will no longer be left with a sense of powerlessness. Your anger and bitterness will melt."

What do you think? Everyone has experiences they didn't like. How did you/do you deal with them?

Did I forget my Manual for Raising Children?

Sometimes I wish that life would give you a manual for how to raise children...With exact directions and pictures just to make sure you get it right! Here are a few good questions I need answers for:

• What do you do when your one year old poops in the tub and thinks he found a candy bar? How do you keep him from pooping in the tub every time he takes a bath, even if he pooped ten minutes earlier?
• When your one year old grabs his brothers wiener schnitzel, how do you do keep from laughing so he won't do it again?
• What do you do when your one year old has decided you are his personal snack shack and just screams, "BOOO," when he sees you? I don't even think he knows he is screaming it anymore. Haha
• How do you stop the same one year old from screaming like a pterodactyl when he wants something, needs something, is bored, or just because it's 2 p.m.?
• How do you keep your three year old from practicing his stunts for the next dare devil movie, and thus giving you a heart attack? Do all toddlers think they are spider man and can literally climb anything and everything? 
• Are two year old children capable of pre-meditating naughty behavior? He told me he was going to get in trouble and when I asked why, he swiped everything off the table and ran!

And lastly, how do you keep your sanity while raising children? What's the difference between "letting boys be boys," and letting them be maniacs?!?! LOL. It has been a rough day. I love my boys more than life itself, but boy am I glad for bedtime tonight! In all seriousness though, I know in thirty minutes I will be gazing at them lovingly, asking: 

• How did these boys get so freakin' cute?
• How can I possibly "hug you little," Elliot? I want to squeeze you and never let go.
• How I can keep from kissing their cheeks into oblivion?
• Why did God give me these two, perfect, little boys?

Has it been thirty minutes yet? Hahaha

A person's a person no matter how small

"Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body." 1 Corinthians 12:15-20

I have often wondered how in the world we could possibly know that no two snowflakes are exactly alike. I'm sorry, but I just can't believe that we can say that with certainty. However, I do believe we can say that no two people on earth are exactly the same. And thank God! 

I know that people tend to wish they had certain abilities or characteristics that others have, like playing an instrument, weighing more or less, or having curly hair. My sister, Holly, and brother, Jake, are both artists. I have always wished that I had that gift. I have always wanted curly hair as well.

I think we spend too much time thinking about what we wish we could do or look like, and not enough time on what we are! Psalm 139:14 says, "I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!" We can't all play the piano, be amazing artists, 6 foot supermodels, etc... Imagine what we could do if we focused on the abilities and characteristics we do have instead of those we don't! 

Just like that verse says, a body wouldn't be able to function properly if it was made up of only ears, or feet! We are all different, and all needed! Don't let someone, or yourself, make you feel unneeded or worthless. You bring something to this world. One of my favorite quotes is, "To the world, you may just be one person; but to one person, you may just be the world." Even that person you can't stand, they are someone's best friend! I had a boss once that would notice odd couples walking down the street at times and exclaim, "there's someone for everyone." It always made me laugh, but it is true!

You were made for something. I know, and have always known in my heart, that I was put on this earth to be a wife and mom. It isn't for everyone, but it is certainly for me. It may not be enough for other women, but it is for me. What if I was put here, just so my children would be born and be someone great? You are here for a reason. Find out what it is and give it your all.

Love Languages

Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages. If you haven't read it, you should. Every person has a love language. How do you show and receive love? This is your love language. There are five love languages: gifts, quality time, acts of service (cooking for them, cleaning, etc), words of affirmation (I love you, you're pretty, you're the best, etc), and touch. 

In every relationship, you should examine each of your love languages. If you know each other's love languages, you know how to love them better! Otherwise you can each be using your own love language all day long and they don't get it because you aren't speaking their love language. If you ask each other how they feel loved, then you can better understand them. It might not be how you show or feel love, but that's the point of asking. It may not feel natural to you, but it will better your relationship. 

I'm sure my husband doesn't like spending 5 minutes in the card aisle looking for a girly card, but that time means more to me than buying me a box of chocolates. My husband could spend all of his money showering me with gifts, but what I really want is him to tell me he loves me or thinks I am pretty. A card says more than anything to me. I think most kids love language is certainly gifts or quality time. Or maybe all of the languages...What do you think? My kids NEED me to cook and clean for them, but do they feel loved because I do? Probably not. More than anything, they love it when I play with them. My mother is definitely an acts of service person. She would much prefer I did the dishes for her than anything else...Although, they probably wouldn't sit in the dish rack the "right" way. Haha! 

I think all of our relationships could improve by taking a look at our love languages and communicating to the other person what that is. When I was talking to my husband about the book, I told him my love languages were Quality time and Words of Affirmation. His retort was, "What? You're telling me you're bilingual?!?" It made me laugh. He listened though. I have received two or three beautiful cards from him since then . That speaks VOLUMES to me. :-) 

Change

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

Why do we resist change so much? I use to think that is something we learn, but now I am not sure.  I dyed my hair yesterday, for the first time since before I got pregnant with Elliot. He was NOT happy! He has always had an obsession with my hair. He plays with it to calm himself down, to fall asleep, or when he is drinking milk. It is like his pacifier, I guess. He is a creature of habit, and he is only three! He does not like change one bit. He doesn't like Gaga Cindy to ever take her glasses off, and Gaga Deb can't put hers on. I knew that dying my hair might pose a problem, but I thought that as long as I didn't cut it short, it would be fine. Well...he cried for over an hour. He cried, "turn it back brown mommy. I don't like your yellow hair. Put the towel back one." Like I said earlier, he usually falls asleep with his hands in my hair. I asked him if he wanted just one strand out of the towel, but he said, "No, please put it back in the towel."

It got me thinking about change though. I don't like change either. I think most people resist change. In this case, Elliot hated change so much that he refused something he usually loves so much. Do we do the same thing? For instance, when a best friend gets married, but you are still single. Or when your friends are having babies, but you aren't at that point in your life yet. We stop calling as much, or don't hang out as much. Why do we push something or someone we love so much away instead of embracing the changes? Just like the quote at the top says, resisting the changes only brings sorrow. It doesn't stop the changes from occurring.

Life doesn't stop moving. We can't stay in one place. “When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back." ― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

Maya Angelou said, “Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” I've done this before...stayed in a relationship that was not good for me, nor what I wanted, because I was afraid of change. Or kept a job I hated because I was afraid of starting over. 

Sometimes change is painful, even good change. You can't have a child without going through the pain of childbirth. Moving to TN was one of the hardest things I've done, but I knew it was a good change. Isaiah 66:9 says, "In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born," says the Lord." If we hadn't moved to TN, we would still be in a tiny condo with my children looking out the window at the outside world...not running around in the grass and sun. (Our condo was lovely, and definitely a blessing. It was just too small for our growing family.)

Embrace change. Even if it takes everything you have inside you. Don't let a friend go just because they are at a different stage in their life. Celebrate this time. If you hate your job, take a risk and find one you love. Make the most of this life!

Here are some more quotes about change that I like.

“The snake which cannot cast its skin has to die. As well the minds which are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be mind.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” ― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button screenplay


Anaïs Nin: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”

RATTLESNAKE!!!

Well, we have been in Tennessee for almost three months now and no one has died! I came close to death the other day though...The kids and I were walking down the road and I swear I heard a rattlesnake in the woods. I told Elliot that I was sorry but we had to turn around and go home. I kept hearing that same sound every time we were outside, at the park, or at Gaga Deb's. Turns out...they were just crickets. When I tell the story, though, it will be a rattlesnake. Just kidding.

In the last three months, I have seen many new things! Four dead deer, Godzilla sized "waspers" and bees, gigantic ant hills, numerous bugs, and a few too many spiders for my comfort. Poppy Bob and Gaga Deb even found a baby snake in their yard! However, like I said earlier, no one has died. Elliot might have to suffer through me tucking his pants into his socks for a while, but he will at least be outside!

It is weird to think about how different our lives are growing up. Living in Alaska, it wasn't weird to look out our kitchen window and see a dead moose hanging from our balcony...ready to be butchered. Or another fun memory, tying old car hoods to the back of a snowmachine and taking turns being pulled around. I don't think my cousins in California grew up this way...

I am glad to say that, although I might start suffering from high blood pressure, my kids will enjoy a childhood with room to roam and wide open spaces.

It's the little things

Your children need your presence more than your presents. — Jesse Jackson

I was thinking about my childhood, and the things that I remember the most. My mom and I would sit on the brick wall outside my Aunt's house and recite, "Star Light, Star Bright." That is probably one of my favorite memories. We also collected anything in the shape of a heart. I think we had 30 something hearts. One fourth of July we tried to make a t-pee (sp?).

My point is that I don't remember every gift we ever got for Christmas or birthdays. The things I remember the most are the things my parents did with us. It is so hard to get caught up in gift giving during holidays and birthdays. As a parent myself now, I want to give my kids the world. It is stressful when you can't, even though I know they won't even remember.

At the same time, I don't want to look back in thirty years and wish I had spent more time with my kids. I want to know that I did my best, and that I truly knew them. I know it is impossible to not have any regrets. I already do have regrets. There are many days I wish I could redo, but there are many that I wish I could relive over and over.

My oldest just turned three. I can't believe how fast time flew by. It seems like yesterday when I heard his little goat cry, and saw his grumpy little face for the first time. I wish I could go back to that day and hold his tiny self one more time. This age is wonderful too, though. Nothing can beat the emotion I feel when he throws his arms around my neck and says, "I loooove you, mommy!"

What do you remember the most from your childhood? If you have kids, I urge you to spend more time with them, and perhaps less money. "Where your treasure is, there your heart will also be." This goes for both us and our kids. What do we want them to think matters the most in life? I know I want my kids to value people more than material things.