Kisses from the Heart

Letting go

Change, change, change! Everything's changing all the time. This morning, I read a post about lasts. How there is a last time for everything and you don't know when it is your last time doing something. More specifically, it was about lasts with your children. While reading the post, I felt like my heart was actually breaking. Tears were falling.

How can you want so badly for a day to end but the years to slow down?!? The days have been so hard lately, with two little boys running rampant and being wild. I've cried more days than not. However, the thought of waking up one day and realizing they are no longer sneaking into my bed at 2 in the morning, tears my heart in half. I don't want these years to fly by. I want to hold onto then forever.

I know life is all about change. I know this isn't something new and that every mother has gone through this. But how? How do you get through this? My boys are only 2 and 4, but it seems like they were just born the other day.

When Elliot is uncomfortable or nervous, he shifts from one foot to the other and holds his arms back like he is flying. He was doing this at preschool orientation yesterday, and my heart hurt. It is so hard to let go of his hand and push him out of the nest. It's incredibly hard knowing he doesn't understand why he has to do this, and that I'm the one making him. It's so hard to have to leave him at preschool, and only get to hope and pray that he makes friends. I can't make the friends for him. I can't take away his fears or his nervousness.

I know I'm being a baby and over emotional lately. I just love my babies and don't want to let go. How am I ever going to make it through the ACTUAL empty best syndrome? The saying is so incredibly true, "your son holds your hand for a little while but your heart forever." I am so thankful to get to hold these chubby, sticky hands. I just want it to last a little longer.

Making it through

Oh the things no one ever tells you about parenting...they tell you how wonderful it is, how it's hard but rewarding. I think they don't put enough emphasis on how hard it will be at times. They don't tell you how weird it can be sometimes.

"You can't have my hair if you don't try to wipe your own butt." There's a sentence I never imagined I would ever say! I said it today though. What do you do when your kid won't wipe himself and he just screams and cries until you will? Do you let him scream until he tries, or give up? Seriously people...

For as long as I can remember, all I have ever wanted was to have kids. I am so thankful God have me the desire of my heart. Three of them! They are wonderful, amazing, beautiful kids. Life has been so hard lately, though. All I want to do is hold them close and cherish these years, but I feel like all I am doing lately is disciplining them.

There are so many blogs, articles and studies out there now about the "right" way of parenting. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind of advice. Or like In in the middle of a pop quiz and flipping through mountains of books, trying to find the answers. "Spare the rod and spoil the child," but don't spank because you will damage their fragile spirits. Let them cry it out, but you're abandoning them if you do. How did our own parents ever make it through parenting?!? How does ANYONE make it through?!? All this advice and none of it agrees.

For the last month, I have been trying to get my boys, ages 2 and 4, to go to sleep without me in their beds with them. Everything in me screams against making them do this alone. I know they need to gain some independence, but how can I possibly let them cry themselves to sleep when all they want is me? All I've ever wanted was them.

I realize I'm babbling and going down different rabbit trails. I suppose I just need to vent and know that I'm not alone. I just want to be the best mom I can be, and am so scared of damaging them. That meme always pops into my head about how it's easier to raise kids right than repair adults...or something like that. I just want to do it right. I know I'll never get a second chance and I want to do my best with the first.

Life Goes On

The hardest part of life, for me, is that it goes on. Life is constantly moving forward, always changing. Friendships, family, children. If something sad happens, life doesn't stop to let you grieve. If something happy happens, life doesn't stop to let you hold on to that moment for a little longer. I know most people don't like change, but change is so hard for me, good or bad.

I love the blessings that have come my way. New friendships, new adventures, a new state and climate. I just wish that things didn't have to change to make room for those new blessings. I wish I didn't have to move thousands of miles away from my extended family to make a new and better life for my family.

It seems like I have more bad days than good days with my kids lately, and Evie screams for hours every night, but I still cling to the wish that I could keep them little forever. They drive me crazy sometimes, but I dread the day I have to let them go. I want to hold them forever. I know they need to gain a little independence and not be so dependent on me, but the change hurts.

The other day, Elliot told me that I didn't need to be sad that he would get big someday, because it was taking forever. How true that must seem for him. I remember being a child and constantly wishing for the next phase of my life: license, job, marriage, kids. It always felt like an eternity away. Now that I have my heart's desires, time is flying by in the blink of an eye. I feel like I'm scrambling around, trying to give my children the perfect childhood before it's over.

The day Elliot was born, I prayed that God would slow time down for me. However, it just keeps speeding up. SLOW DOWN!

There's nothing my God cannot do!

Does this look like a girl with cyst free kidneys?!? I'd say so! We just got home from the kidney doctor. My girl had to get an ultrasound and an IV blood draw, but she did great.

The ultrasound tech asked if we had a family history of PKD. I said no and asked why. She said that she didn't see what they were talking about because she didn't see any cysts, enlargement, or any signs of PKD!

We are still waiting to talk to the doctor tomorrow, by I am elated! I am so thankful. I came home with a song stuck in my head. "My God is so great! So strong and so mighty! There's nothing my God cannot do!"

To anyone that prayed, thank you so much!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

So I wrote about our miracle we received with Evangelina, but I didn't talk much about how hard those months were. While I did believe that God promised me that she was going to be ok, I am still human. I did still have my moments of despair and fear. I read too many stories and googled too many statistics. I prayed and prayed, but also cried.

One day, I was struck by a verse in the story where Peter walked on the water after Jesus told him to get out of the boat. In Matthew 14:29-31, it says, "Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” Dude! He walked on water, but you are saying he had little faith?!? He WALKED ON WATER! What I got out of this though, is that God doesn't just want us to have faith for a moment, he wants us to have complete faith in Him! Believe for the whole miracle! This was where it was hard for me. I knew He COULD do anything, but wasn't sure He would...

That first night after we found out she had cysts on her kidneys, it was hard to have faith. I prayed mostly that I would at least get to hold her for a little while. The specialists told us that IF she made it to birth, most babies don't live to a week. The more I read and prayed though, the more faith I felt welling up inside me. I prayed that I would at least get to bring her home for some time. The more I prayed, the bigger my prayers became. Now I pray that God will bless her with a LONG, healthy and happy life!

I'm amazed at what God has done for me, that He chose to do this for me. I know it doesn't always end up this way, and I am very thankful. But it wasn't always easy. It still isn't always easy. When she screams for an hour, my heart does fear. I'm afraid she's screaming for some reason I can't see. In those times, I am reminded of the father in Mark 9. Jesus asked him why he doubted. He answered, "Lord, I believe. Help me in my doubt." I have to pray that more than I wish I did.

God is still amazing me today! When she was born and we found out she had 6 toes on one foot, I admit I felt very mixed up. I felt like I did something wrong to cause it. Then I felt bad for feeling like it was a defect. However, my friend just reminded me of the verse that says, "how beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, proclaiming peace..." This just amazed me. Evangelina actually MEANS, "brings good news!" And even further than that amazing "coincidence" is that her middle name, Shahli, means, "joyous peace!" This is just crazy to me. Now I wish her toe didn't have to be removed. I will always remember though.

My Miracle

I've been trying to write this for the last six weeks. I want to shout it from the rooftops, but at the same time I want to make sure that I say everything that needs to be said. I don't want to leave anything out because I am so amazed and thankful for what God has done for us. I apologize in advance that this is so long, but there is so much to say!

When we found out we were having a little girl, we were also told that she had Polycystic Kidney Disease. They said her kidneys were larger than average and covered in tiny cysts. They told us that most couples would know they couldn't handle this. Most couples would realize that her quality of life would be horrible, and save her from that pain. They said that if we chose to keep her, to expect lots of doctors, dialysis, and transplants for the rest of her life. We were told there was a good chance that she wouldn't even make it to birth, and that if she did, we probably couldn't handle it because it would be so rough. We left the specialist's office devastated and heart broken. I knew that abortion would never be an option for me and was so thankful that Josh felt the same way. We were so in love with this little girl. She had a name. She had a family. She had worth. How could they suggest that we abort a little girl we had already fallen in love with, that I had felt kick inside me?

I always wondered how someone could continue trusting God or even believing in God if they had to go through something as horrible as losing a child. That night, I realized that God was the only thing I had left to hold on to. I couldn't do anything about the situation we were now facing. I couldn't save her. He was the only one that could do anything about anything. Instead of losing all hope, I found hope. He was my only hope.

I am not making this next part up. No joke. I opened my Bible, which I happened to be days behind reading. I opened it to the first day of the days that I needed to read, the day that I should have read about a week before. The verse I opened up to was Psalm 128:3. Paraphrasing, it says, "your wife will be like a fruitful vine, producing many children. Your children will be like sturdy olive branches as they sit around your table." I cried and cried that night, but I truly believed this was a promise to me. I took that promise and it was all I had to hold on to. That same verse came up again a few months later, totally unexpected. I was reading again in another area of the Bible and I saw a fly. I swatted it with a piece of mail, which caused the pages of my Bible to flip. It landed on that same verse, but not in the same place I was reading it last time. It was all the way at the beginning of the book. That is when I knew for sure that it was a promise for me and not just a coincidence. (I know that sounds crazy.) I held on to and prayed that verse for the next five months. I wasn't the only one praying either. Hundreds of people prayed for my little girl. People I don't even know!

Months later, near the end of my pregnancy, at one of our million sonograms, the doctor told us he no longer thought that PKD was the likely cause of her enlarged and cystic kidneys. He said that she should have gotten worse, but she didn't. The amniotic fluid should have been gone by then, but it was still normal. He said PKD was still possible, but he wasn't betting on it. He told us that it could be displastic kidneys, some other syndromes, or just normal deviations from their "standard" measurements. We were elated at that news, but I was also mad. I was outraged that they tried to sway us to abort our beautiful baby. What if I had listened? How many women HAVE listened? We knew there were still possible outcomes that we wouldn't like, but I was still mad that they could take away all our hope and later say were probably wrong.

Anyway, we finally had our little girl on April 14, 2014. She does have cysts on her kidneys, but she has FULL FUNCTION of them as well! The doctors said they couldn't have asked for a better birth and that we got the best possible outcome! She is beautiful and perfect! Her quality of life is wonderful! I know some people will read this and will think it was just a fluke or that nothing was ever wrong in the first place. I know in my heart though that God saved my little girl. He heard my cry and answered my prayers. I don't know why he doesn't answer all prayers, and sometimes I feel guilty for getting a miracle. However, I know that he did hear my prayers! And I am so thankful. I can't keep quiet about it. I want to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone I know that miracles do happen! A situation that I always thought would kill my faith ended up strengthening it. I want everyone to know that doctors are not always right! There is always hope. Don't give up. I don't know what you need or what you may be praying for, but don't give up. If you are a prayer, please keep Evangelina in your prayers.

P.S. She was born with a sixth toe. At first, I was sad about this because I was so worried that people would make fun of her. My friend, Denise, made me see it in a different light. She said we prayed so long that she would have "enough", but God gave her MORE than enough!

Facts About My Family

Everyone on Facebook has been posting things about themselves that you probably don't know. I have really enjoyed reading all of them. It is fun to see how different everyone is, and how alike we are in other ways. On our family page, we have started posting facts about other people in our family. I think I enjoy these posts even more! Here are some facts about my family.

Elliot Holloway:

He's very OCD. if you give him square waffles a few days in a row, he will not eat a round waffle the next. Also, he won't eat any pieces that look different from the rest. This includes quesadillas with cheese poking out. He will not eat a piece with any cheese showing.
His favorite color changes depending in who his favorite person is that day and their favorite color.
He is very private. No one is allowed near the bathroom when he is peeing. But he will run around the house naked, pretending his wiener is a fire hose.
He doesn't like to be called anything but Elliot, but his Gagas can call him Bubby.
He wants to be an "inja turtle" when he grows up.
He is obsessed with my hair. He can't fall asleep without it. He likes to run his fingers through it, stab it in his ear, or feather his eyes with it. And he has a super sense about when I put it in a hair tie. He immediately starts chanting, "want your hair like a square, hair like a square."
He would stay outside 24/7 if he could, but refuses to pee outside.
He loves to make up words, and a lot of them sound like very bad words.
He hates having dirty, sticky, Or greasy fingers. I have to wipe his hands with wet wipes at least two or three times sting every meal.
He's very sweet and tenderhearted, and tells me he loves me a million times a day. He pretends like his brother is so annoying, but if you ask him who his best friend, he immediately says, "Ethan."
He loves it when I sing "Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty" to him while he falls asleep. He will purr like a kitten while I scratch or pet his back.

Ethan Holloway

His nickname is Zazz, Zazzy, or Zazzers. This is what he answers to the most.
His favorite books are Go Dog Go and Where's My Truck. He will listen to me read these over and over and over. And over.
He LOVES Peppa Pig, and cries for it the whole time Elliot watches anything else.
He ADORES Elliot and copies everything he does. If Elliot gets hurt, Ethan acts like he has the same owie.
He will eat almost anything you give him, unless he sees that Elliot won't.
When I'm putting him to bed, he HAS to stretch out the elastic band in my pants with his foot. I move his foot at least ten times before he quits.
He hurt his toe six months ago, but still relives the pain multiple times a day.
He's a clown and loves to make people laugh.
He loves cats and loves to meow.
He wants this baby to be a "GOAL!" Not a boy.
He thinks it is absolutely hysterical if you smell his feet and pretend they stink to high heaven. It never gets old to him.

Josh Holloway

His favorite movie of all time is Conan the Barbarian.
His most prized materialistic possession is his '99 Dodge Dakota Bellringer. Don't ask him who he would pick if it was between me and that truck. Just kidding. He'd pick the truck. Joking Joking.
He loves all things sports, but his favorite sport is basketball. His favorite players are Dwight Howard for basketball and Peyton Manning for football. I asked him if he would love me more if I actually liked sports, but he said no because my choice in teams would probably turn him off.
He would absolutely love it if Elliot grew up to be a basketball player and Ethan a Professional (fake) wrestler.
His favorite color is blue. But really, have you met a guy whose favorite color wasn't blue or green?
His favorite foods are tacos or boiled peanuts.
He makes the best gosh darn salsa this here side of the Mississippi.
I think he is more excited about the boys being into the Ninja Turtles than they are. He's a sucker. He can't take Elliot to Walmart without coming home with a new ninja turtle toy.
When he was younger, he wanted ten kids.
He could take on one of the Duck Dynasty guys in a beard contest, and his beard is the first thing that attracted me to him.